Tonight at supper my husband and I were contemplating our current living conditions, physically and emotionally. . He told me I was NOT alright. He then told me he had not expressed himself correctly. He told me what he should have said was neither one of us could be alright with what is going on in our lives right now. He is smart. We are both struggling. There is much more drama. I continue to wrestle with what to write about and what is better left unsaid. I continue to struggle with how to express my feelings even if I decide to write about what no one else would choose to tell the world. I continue to tell myself to just spill my guts. Why be concerned with what is being a "good" person or a "bad" person? I so want to have what I say help someone. I so want what I have to say be credible. I so want what I have to say to touch someone. I so want what I am feeling and going through to have a meaning other than the pain I feel. I so want----
Maybe soon I will have the time to devote to what I want that is not out of my control.
Custom Lip Balms Packaged in Hand Stamped Individual Wrappers With Hand Stamped Stickers
Yummy Texas Cinnamon Rolls
Old Fashioned Kool Aid Pitcher for a Fun Summer Taste
And Last But Not Least, Packaging Which Contains Some Very Different Snacks
More to post but husband and grandchild are both up and someone keeps asking, " What's for breakfast?" This is over the Thom and Jerry cartoon, on the television, that both boys are currently watching! Smile. Till later -----
Thought I would share a couple of my great treasures with you today.
The first is a picture of me, with my treasured friend, Bonnie. We got to play together yesterday. I wore my other treasure. It is the apron I won in the silent auction at Mystic Paper.The apron I bid on is by Becky, of Heart In My Hand. I can't tell you how many compliments I got on my apron yesterday.
Everyone, there are still aprons that have not sold. One of them not sold is my creation, I am sad to say. We all altered aprons for a charity silent auction. My apron is number thirteen. You can click here and it will take you to Mystic's blog. Scroll down to the post for Tuesday, May 19th. to see the aprons still available. If anyone that reads my blog wants to bid on it I will pay Mystic Paper for the shipping cost. As a matter of fact, if you want to bid on any of the aprons still available I will pay for the shipping cost! It is for a great animal charity.
Back to packaging so I can discover some more treasures soon!
Now, do you remember the warning ticket I got on the way to Pinetop?
The ticket that convinced me I needed to subtract something from each day instead of adding something else?
I don't want another warning--
I am having a hard time slowing down.
My brain is looking pretty much like the above pictures of my packaging!
I am working on five different packaging items while down in the valley this time.
I am reeling with things to blog about and yet, at the same time, trying to figure out how to blog about them! How to say them!
When I am in the valley my brain is filled with activity.
My friends are here.
My dad is here.
Classes are here.
Clients are here.
My former life is here.
Heat is here!
Ah- which is one of the reasons I love having a Pinetop home.
For the rest of this week I am BUSY, BUSY, BUSY.
My brain is BUSY, BUSY BUSY
arranging the ins and the outs of subjects such as
contemplating, figuring out, sharing, shouting, and quietly wishing I had the words to quickly jot down everything I want my brain to organize into neat little packages tied up in the grocery store twine of the days of old. That twine somehow represents strong, organized, stability to me.
Every week or two, it seems I discover another person, of which I was unaware, is reading my blog.
Yesterday this happened again and I was very touched. Upon taking my father out to supper last night he handed me a card he had forgotten to give me. More memories flooded back, more things of which to blog--- more , more, more. For now I will just quietly say
to each of you for caring.
I hope to respond more personally in the future.
to make this mess into something in which beauty is more recognizable.
Friday morning we awoke to the trash can turned over. My husband found it and told me to go look. When I went to look this is what I saw---I thought, hummmmm, not so bad, why does he think this is so bad?
Next, as Randy came back out of the house my eyes found this, and then next.....
this...... Folks, the squirrels did not do this. Birds did not do this. A Black Bear probably did this. There seems to be a whole lot of different trash going on in my life. I was going to blog about some more of it but too tired tonight. So----hold onto this trash picture and there will be more soap opera forth coming. It may take a while as I have lots going on this week while in the valley. Don't worry. I don't picture it going away anytime soon. I keep thinking I should be writing a soap opera instead of a blog. Smile. Even in soap operas there are smiles.
One of today's smiles. Class at Mystic Paper with Caroline Miller. Cutest cookbook that has ever been made. Lady to left is named Earline. Fun lady. Lady to right is my dear friend Bonnie. Ladies, no trash here---just good times and great project. Check it out on Mystic's website.
Evidence of chewing and knawing going on where the hammock is attached to the frame.
Close up of the pretty edging pulled apart from the base. See the piece of string on the ground.
The other side of the hammock with more evidence of damage.
Spring-- out came the cushions for the outside furniture and out came the hammock to be hung. My next door neighbor warned me to watch the cushions as the squirrels will rip them to get to the stuffing to use in their nest. She then relayed a story ( unknowing that we had just hung our hammock in the back yard ) about a girlfriend's rope hammock that had been chewed to pieces by the squirrels. About three days later we saw the first signs. Another day and further evidence of trouble. I have decided to document the demise of our hammock as it is transformed from our lovely hammock into nests for baby squirrels to be born. I am still loving being in the midst of nature. Squirrels and Blue Jays are much more fun to see than scorpions so I am trying to keep a good perspective about my once so beautiful hammock.
And so it is with our family. The strings continue to unravel, a little at a time. I haven't posted much about it lately. Not one major thing has occurred --- just one piece at a time being ripped and torn.
Chandler received a text message from - I would call him a friend but the truth is real friends do not treat friends this way. The text message told Chandler he, James, could not be Chandler's friend anymore. James told Chandler his mom was an alcoholic and a drug user and
he could not be friends with someone whose mom was like that.
Ria called James' mom. She apologized. I could elaborate but not necessary. Damage done.
Amber was to have Chandler after school on Tuesday. Tuesday morning Amber texted Maria saying we would need to pick him up from school. She could not get her truck to start and she did not feel good. When Grandy picked Chandler up from school he had to take him by the house to get his baseball uniform as he had a game that night. On the street was a truck with a flat tire. In the driveway was another truck with two flat tires and Amber's truck. Grandy went inside with Chandler as he did not want Chandler entering alone. There were two people he did not know in the guest bedroom and there were also two pit bull dogs. Chandler got his uniform and they left. Later in the afternoon when we took Chandler to his game. Randy saw Amber ahead of us driving her truck. Huuuuuuuuummmmmmmm--thought the truck would not start.
The house papers from paying Amber $2,500. to quit claim deed her portion of the house have been recorded so Amber is no longer an owner of the house. She is to receive another $2,500. when she vacates. I am hoping she does this and Maria is not forced to have her removed from the premises.
Ria went to the police station yesterday to file a report for Amber fraudulently opening an ebay account in her name. Maria just got a collection notice from eBay. She also filed charges for Amber signing Maria's name for a cable account and a phone account. All the policemen, at the station, knew Amber. A policeman was going to accompany Ria to the house to retrieve cable equipment to return. He told Maria Amber would most likely be drunk and violent. Unfortunately the address that was given for the equipment was the address where Maria stayed when she first was kicked out of the house by Amber months ago. Maria now needs to get the cable company to fax her a statement showing that the equipment is at the other address.
Maria also filed a restraining order which will be issued sometime today. The police told Maria Amber was partying all over town, etc. They asked Maria if Amber really had terminal cancer. The police said that was the reason Amber always gave them for her drinking. Maria told them honestly that none of us knew. We had seen no proof. The judge that signed Maria's order of protection is also the judge Amber is scheduled to appear before on May 28th for a pretrial hearing for obstructing a government investigation . The judge was told about Chandler and the judge wanted to know where Chandler was. Maria told him his grandparents had him and that we, along with Maria, had been taking care of him. She told the judge Amber had probably seen him three times in the past month.
Amber started flipping out when Verizon immediately turned off her phone yesterday. She started texting Maria from another phone. Earlier in the week, when the propane was turned off, there were more threats about Chandler. We suspect the electricity will be turned off again this week from the bill not being paid. Maria has continuously been blackmailed to give Amber money, with Chandler being the pawn. When she got the collection notice for pay pal we think she decided enough is enough.
It has not been a month that Amber got the $2,500 from us. From the looks of the truck she is driving it could not have cost over a few hundred dollars. She receives food stamps and disability. How much can one drink? It was not but about two weeks after Amber got the $2,500. that she started hounding Maria for money again.
So far we have not been threatened.
Chandler has baseball practice this afternoon. We are scheduled to get him after school and take him to practice. Maria plans to come over after practice to explain her going to the police and the actions she filed against Amber, the best way one can explain to an eleven year old. Randy and I know this is going to get even uglier and we are bracing ourselves.
We also know just as the hammock is being shredded by the squirrels our emotions are being shredded by our daughter, Maria, and innocent Chandler. Like the hammock being turned into nests for the birth of new life, by allowing ourselves to feel and experience all of our emotions we are growing stronger and building a new life day by day.. It does not look the same as the day before but in it there is beauty to be seen. Take those sweet little flapping birds in the bird bath. Take the honor roll award Chandler brought home from school yesterday. Take my husband silently mouthing the words, I Love You, across the dinner table last night. Take the friends I am scheduled to see in the valley this weekend. I would love to now say , Take Adam winning American Idol last night! Oh well, again the reminder deserve has nothing to do with it and Chris IS cute! And look at Daughtry--- he finished fourth one year and WOW! Yep, Adam will be just fine. Yep, we will be just fine.
Monday morning I watered all of my flowers, vegetables, and bushes. There in my yard was my empty bird bath. I filled it with water as I went by with the hose. Later in the day, I took some more garbage out to the garbage can, which was on the street curb waiting for the big garbage truck to come empty it. As I walked back down the drive I glanced over at the bird bath. My heart skipped a beat and joy flooded my being. There were two little birds fluttering and splashing around to their heart's content, in my bird bath. I so wish you could have seen them. Precious. Those wings flapping. It was as if they were cleaning under their arms, behind their ears, and all the other places on their bodies that needed a good washing. I longed for my camera. I ran inside and out again.
Nope- I saw one fly away and the other one hopped out on a nearby bush. I walked slowly over, in hopes of at least getting a picture of the bird on the bush.
But wait, what is happening? My mind is now a flutter. The little bird has hopped back in the bird bath. I can't believe it. He is back in the bird bath!!!!!
He did not flutter as much as before but he stayed long enough for me to take his picture. Thank you Little Birdie.
Stay tuned for another Birdie Story soon!
Maybe I should just make sure I got everything cleaned properly.
Better clean my mouth again. Those peanuts can be really messy eating.
I better pose for this lady. She seems to be easily entertained.
Alright, I think I am clean enough and by allowing this lady to take pictures of me bathing I have done my good deed for the day. I sure hope she is not going to put her pictures in an adult birdie magazine. Oh my, I never thought about that possibility as I just let her snap away.
She doesn't look like the risque type though and this house and yard is anything but porno set material. I think I am safe. Good, because this is a great little bird bath.
I best be going now. See you again soon, little lady. Keep that camera handy!
Yesterday I had the best time playing for about an hour. I got side tracked on my way to work on tags for product. I am so glad I did! Smile. I wanted to have a special wrap for a gift of perfume. My mother and I always wore the same kind of perfume. For years we wore Estee Lauder Private Collection. How we came to love this fragrance is a future post perhaps. For the last few years, however, we have been wearing Lou Lou, a French perfume. My mother was given a bottle by a French friend. Did you see the film Ya Ya Sisterhood? My girlfriend, Suzanne, smelled my perfume and loved it. Her husband ordered her some for her birthday. We started calling ourselves the Lou Lou sisterhood. Smile. Anyway, I wanted a special wrap for a bottle of the perfume I am sending to a friend. Having supplies in two geographical locations can be a challenge at times. I did not have any appropriate wrapping paper in Pinetop. I saw the perfume lying on my table to be wrapped and decided instantly it was time to do something about it. My friend that I am mailing the gift to had expressed some heartache over a family occurrence---- well, everyone that reads my blog knows I can certainly relate to family heartache! I wanted to make the receiving of the gift a smile for her heart. Below is what I came up with for the presentation.
I took one of the Paris file folders I purchased at Mystic Paper and sewed the sides together, with vintage lace in-between the front and back covers. This would now be the pouch that held the card and perfume.
This is a picture of the box of Lou Lou Perfume
I had several of these little pouches already made. I used to sell them at Merchant Square, in Chandler Az., with my soap line. I make them out of handmade vintage crocheted or knitted bedspreads that need a new purpose. I slipped the perfume inside the bag and tied it with more lace.
I made a card to match the file folder by color copying the folder onto card stock. I then sewed the twill tape with the saying , The Gift Is Small But The Love Is Great along the edge. I cut one piece of the tape with the word Love on it and sewed it above the stamped Paris.
On the inside of the card I glued a pearl type flat button. I also found in my stash of STUFF some Seven Gypsies tissue paper of cities around the world. Of course Paris was one of them so I tore it out and glued it under the button. On my last trip to Mystic I had purchased some of the new transparencies by Seven Gypsies. One of them happened to be perfect for this card. On the computer I created the saying I wanted and wrote the date below so it would show through on the transparency. The date is hard to see in this picture.
Hidden underneath the transparency and saying is this paper heart that I misted with Tattered Angels spray. Love sometimes is hidden from immediate view.
Here is the finished gift in it's entirety. The file folder houses the perfume pouch and card.
Now, I must get it in the mail!
When I was finished with the project I went back to what I started out to do in the first place. I forgot, however, that I had not taken the file folder I was copying, to make the card, out of the printer. When I went to print the tags I had created on the computer, in black, the file folder printed instead. I loved the black and white image! Well, now. I couldn't let this go to waste!!!! Below is what I created from my forgetfulness.
I took the stencil area of the heart I had sprayed and tore it out. I cut out the middle of the heart so the Paris would show through. I sewed vintage lace to the edge of a piece of black card stock. I had a scrap of the twill saying left over so I sewed it to the top. I then sewed the black card stock under the black and white image, creating a pocket. Now I just need to go to Paris!
I had about given up on it and was about to buy geraniums to go in the whiskey barrel. Was thrilled beyond control when I saw the green sprouts. I bought this Hydrangea last year and loved it.
I planted red geraniums in the vintage wire baskets hanging on the vintage trellis on the side porch. My favorite place to sit outside is on this love seat.
We heard and saw the first Humming bird of the season. Randy filled the Hummingbird feeder with fresh nectar for them. I haven't seen one eating yet but it will happen soon I know.
My Peony's have several buds about to open.
Chandler and I, once again, made homemade pizza, for supper.
If I could take a picture of quiet I would. The house is quiet, except for the ticking of the clock, the sound of the washing machine, and the ice maker every now and again. Randy and Chandler got up early to go fishing. I am having my cup of coffee, answering emails, and posting with no interruptions. Lovely Treasure---Quiet.
Once again, on the, Scrapgirls.com site, I have read a muse by Ro, the owner of the site, which tells a tale of our humanness. It also talks about a message that I hold so dear to my heart:
We have the agency to choose what we do and how we respond to every situation.
Life Muses by Ro: Life is a Tangled Web
Life can feel like a tangled web of push and pull between our own actions, the actions of others, the forces of nature, our frail human bodies, and acts of God. What we choose affects ourselves and others. The choices of others affect them and those around them. Communities are affected by acts of God and nature. We get sick. We die. On the surface, it appears that we are so subject to the influence of others and influences outside of ourselves that we have little control over our own lives.
But, here is the truth of the truth of one of the few true truths of our lives. We have the agency to choose what we do and how we respond to every situation. And, ultimately, we will be accountable for our choices.
It would be easy, at this point, to launch into a discussion of the world's ills and how they have been caused by poor choices. After all, the trouble that is brewing in the world has largely been caused by the unfortunate choices of people.
However, discussions about such matters usually focus on other people- how the poor choices of someone other than ourselves have made the world as it is . It is far more difficult for us to chat with ourselves so that we might examine the choices we have made.
I will admit to you that I often find them difficult - these daily chats I have with myself about my choices. They are often filled with sorrow and regret. They are sometimes hours of tear - filled prayer. Occasionally, they are quiet celebrations that I made a correct choice during a difficult situation. They are always opportunities fro growth and hope as I have observed that when I humble myself and ask God for help with such things, the weight of my frailties lifts from my shoulders as hope that I might make better choices in the future fills my heart.
This was not planned to be the topic of my post, but upon reading it, I wanted to share. Instead of paraphrasing and giving credit I thought it best to share it with you as written by Ro.
I think it is more often than not human nature to blame someone else for what is going on in our lives. How can we possibly be to blame when there are so many factors out of our control? By focusing on the blame we miss the opportunity to see the choices before us. There are always choices. Sometimes they are obvious and sometimes not. Sometimes they are easy and sometimes they are very difficult. Sometimes we choose not to make a choice because by not making a choice we think we don't have to take responsibility for the results of the choice made. We foolishly think that we can just let whatever happens happen and then we are not responsible. Silly, when one stops and examines this mode of thinking. By not making a choice we are making one! Because of this post, I have some choices I am going to make today, be them the right ones or the wrong ones they will be mine and I will own them.
My favorite show in the entire television realm is American Idol. I have even expressed to friends that at this stage of the competition I start to get a little depressed because I know it is not long before the season will be over. I know, I know, ridiculous but true.
Last night we went to Native New Yorker for wings. Remember the thrifty part of my mom learning's? Wings are thirty five cents a piece on Tuesday nights compared to fifty five cents on other nights. Need I say more? Tuesdays have become Wing Night. After wings we were coming home and watch----of course----taped American Idol. Well, need I say more? Seems my husband had cancelled the regular version to tape the high definition version. Soooooooooo, what did we get to watch? The no version at all. He does not know what happened. High Definition? Who Cares????? Regular show--all I expect!!! I did not get to vote!!! I just finished watching the performances twice, on the computer. I also listened to the judges comments but could not be sure who some of the comments referred to. I wish they would show the entire program like they show regular shows. Well, anyway, all the performances looked great to me. I think this is the best season ever. I like all the finalist but still think Adam deserves to win based on each and every performance being top notch week end and week out. Regardless of who wins I think they all have wonderful careers ahead of them and it tickles me for them.
My husband assures me the tonight's show is properly programmed. I do not think I will be taking any chances. Come eight o'clock tonight you know where I will be. Hope you are where you want to be at eight o'clock too!
I finished reading from cover to cover the latest edition of Artful Blogging. It is the first edition that nothing was said to irritate me ! It was full of suggestions about blogging and each person's own journey in the blogging world. Thoroughly enjoyed the read. It isn't that I did not enjoy the earlier issues , it is just most of them seemed to be only about the fluff. In my opinion, there also seemed to be some criticism of being real. Life is art. Each person's journey is art. Sometimes it is filled with beauty and sometimes the beauty is hard to recognize amidst the chaos. Sort of like the Coat Of Many Colors. At times all the scraps of life, in and of themselves, don't look like much of anything. Weave them all together and viola, a piece of art.
I didn't mean to get off on a philosophical subject but it is what I often do. Anywho, as my blogging mentor, Jack and Cat Curiowould say, today I am taking a piece of advice from Artful Blogging . I am sharing with you something different, for me. Cooking has always been a big part of my life. Each year, in my Christmas letter, I usually share with my recipients what I call the Recipe of the Year. It is a recipe that my family has particularly enjoyed over the course of the last 12 months. The following recipe has not been featured before but could have easily chosen. As is shown in the picture above, I made two of these for the shower of the couple I featured on my last post. I must tell you, Cheese Cake is much like Pizza to me. I have never really had one I do not like. For some people though it is a very personal thing! This Cheese Cake is more of the New York Style. A former teacher friend , Diane Kerr, made it for me one year as a Christmas present. It has been on our family favorite list ever since. I hope it brings your tongue as much pleasure as it does mine!
Graham Cracker Crust: Combine 1/4 cup sugar, 11/2 cups graham cracker crumbs,
and 1/3 cup melted butter. Mix ingredients thoroughly and pat in the bottom of spring form pan. ( Or use your favorite graham cracker or other cracker crust )
16 oz. Ricotta cheese
11/2 cups sugar
4 eggs, slightly beaten
1/3 cup cornstarch
2 Tbsp. flavoring of your choice ( I used lime juice )
1 tsp. of vanilla
1/2 cup butter
1 pint sour cream
Beat cream cheese and Ricotta on high until well blended and creamy. Blend in sugar, then eggs. Reduce speed to low. Add cornstarch and flavorings. Add melted butter and sour cream. Blend using low speed on mixer. Pour into pan. Bake at 350 degrees about 1 hour and 10 minutes or until firm around the edges. Turn off oven. Let cake stand in oven 2 hours. Remove and cool completely on wire rack. Chill. May be frozen. ( Sometimes I make this before going to bed. I set my oven cook time so the oven will go off and then I just leave it in the oven until I get up in the morning. I then transfer it to the refrigerator.
You will see this picture in a grouping below. Yesterday more wall art finally got hung.
I wanted to have this one first in my post as it really is what posting is all about.
Thank you to each of you that visit me. Thank you to each of you that share your blogs with the rest of the world. Thank you for the Joys of Friendship.
The flowers that were seen in the darling blue and white striped basket given to me by Janell are now living in the wishing well out front.
This week we hung the hammock out back. My neighbor tells me the squirrels might devour it for use in their nest so I wanted a picture of it in all it's glory before it becomes the home of another!
Spring had finally sprung here in Pinetop. The porch cushions came out of winter hiding.I have also been warned to watch for the squirrels. Seems they will rip the cushions to get to the stuffing for another nest product. All those little squirrels I so love, I am told, might not always evoke happy emotions! We will see.
The flower tin, clock, and little picture ( featured above) was hung yesterday.
Kim, of Sweet Sage Vintage, gave me this tin a few months ago. I might have already shared this. Doesn't matter. It is one of my favorite things hanging in my bedroom. It is deserving of being posted over and over again. It is one of the representations of the Joy of Friendship.
The architectural piece was another hung item yesterday. I have been looking at it this morning and have come up with an idea I think I want to try. I am thinking I should collect some crystal prisms and hang them across the bottom. It would add a little glamour and go nicely with the chandeliers in the area. Another project added to the to do list but this is a lovely one to savor. Yes, I think I am really liking this idea!
I will be rambling this morning. I have wanted to post more often but for some reason or another it just has not happened the last couple of days. So instead of this post being one subject it will be many and I will just call it rambling.
Yesterday I had a very difficult hour encased in the late afternoon hours. I have just realized, for you to understand this happening, I will need to revert back to some events which have taken place in the past couple of weeks.
Last week, my daughter, communicated with Ria she would indeed sign a quit claim deed for her half of the house to us for the sum of $5,000. In earlier posts I have indicated my family has around $70,000. invested in this house. Said house is close to being in foreclosure state. This money is beyond the $10,000. which was put on our credit card without permission. My husband told her we would pay $2,500 at the signing of the quit claim deed and then $2,500 more at the time she vacated the premises. I was still in the valley when this took place. Once again, my husband is the one dealing with the emotional proceedings. I could not have handled this. He had to pick up Amber and drive her to the bank. I would have had the paper work handled by an attorney and sent a cab for her. My being is too fragile and broken to handle seeing her in person. Anyway, the first part of the transaction took place. There is more legal mumbo jumbo to this deal but the bottom line is the process is moving towards Ria moving back into the house. This means Chandler will have his trampoline, his basketball hoop, his this and his that which go along with being in one's own home. We are not sure where Amber will go. She has been supposed to be looking into subsidized housing for some time. Ria has given her money towards the paper work, etc. That is all another story. Back to tying in the exchange of money for the deed.
With some of the $2,500. she was paid, Amber purchased an old truck for transportation. She has had no transportation since the last arrest involving the rental car. We still do not know why her P.T. cruiser was never returned to her. BUT, she now has wheels again. Consequently, she made arrangements with Chandler to pick him up from school yesterday afternoon and take him to his ball game. Originally in the plan making he was to spend the night with her. When he came in off the porch with this news my heart was crooked. I say crooked because I did not really know what it was I was feeling. I felt mixed up. It saddened me that our buying her part of the house off allowed her to purchase wheels which then gave her more control of him, which then put him possibly in harm's way. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh--He asked me if we would still come to the game and bring his treats. It was his turn to supply his teammates with treats for after the game. I told him Grandy and I would have to talk about it. Chandler asked me to just talk about it when he was not around. He does not want to hear the sad stuff ,as he refers to it) We told him we would bring his treats and we would sit in the outfield.
Now, remember he was to spend the night with her? Well, yesterday morning, Amber text ed Ria that she would have to leave the game at 5:45 as she had a Dr's. appointment at six o"clock. Said she had to get blood work and shots as she has a treatment for her stomach cancer today.
Alright, means he is going home with us. Alright, good.
Amber also text ed Ria the water had been turned off again and she had better pay to get it turned back on or she would pick up Chandler and Maria would never see him again. ( This text was before the text about the Dr. appointment )
1. Maria told her no, she would not pay for the water.
2. No idea, still, if cancer is real or not.
3. No idea if she really had to go get blood work at six o'clock or if she made plans to go party since it was Cinco De Mayo. Wouldn't one think that she would have known the day before about the Dr's. appointment, when she first made these arrangements with Chandler to have him?
4. He was not upset at leaving the field with us and the change in arrangements, or at least he did not show it.
My hard part yesterday was this. Grandy, Ria and I sat beyond the outfield and watched the game. Amber sat in the stands, on the top row, for the time she was at the game. Last year, at all of Chandler's games we were together as a family. We watched and cheered as a united family. Amber was the score keeper for the team. A year later we are a broken family and my daughter is someone that is a person I would never choose to be associated with. I think some of my most sorrowful times are the ones in which I wonder if I have ever known who she is. After the years and years of turmoil until she seemingly got her act together at the age of 20 until now--looking back I wonder did she ever really have her act together or was ????
Our counselor helped me this past week by telling me Amber had been a real learning lesson for him, in the early years of our seeking help. He told me he had never had a patient, then and since, that was capable of lying and manipulating the truth and deceiving others as much as Amber. He shared with me she was so good at this there were times, early on, that even he was feeling sorry for her. Somehow it helped me understand it is no wonder I struggle often with my emotions. Couple this with the bond a mother has with her child and well----- it is hard. It is just plain hard. BUT, once again, I am grateful for each tool I have acquired over the years for coping. And one of those is hypnosis. I spoke of this in an earlier post. I will expound on the subject a little now.
I was afraid of hypnosis in the beginning. After all, I had watched people being hypnotized on television and made to do things very embarrassing and out of control. Rediculous things and again, being out of control, was what conjured up inside of me at the mention of hypnosis. Luckily I listened to another side of what hypnosis could do for one and is often the case, when one is in pain, one is more open to exploring all avenues which will relieve some of the pain. It is important to trust the person that is hypnotizing you and I think it is important for the person to be trained. When I was first hypnotized I really did not believe I had actually been hypnotized. You see, you really do know everything that is being said to you. It is not at all what I had witnessed on the television. I almost felt like a fake when I was in a session as it seemed I was not hypnotized at all. I always felt better during the time following a hypnosis session though. Always. And for me that was good enough.
When I stopped smoking ( let me interject here, probably for the fifth time of trying to stop smoking! ) I came to understand I was indeed hypnotized. I used Nicorete gum to help me quit smoking. I had gotten down to three pieces of gum a day. Any one that has smoked probably knows right this minute when those three pieces of gum were consumed---after breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I just was not able to give the gum up. I decided to try hypnosis. Guess what- I never chewed another piece of gum. I never wanted another piece of gum. I was convinced. And so it is I am now utilizing self hypnosis to help me stay balanced.
I am tired of not having more font options. Oh how I wish I could post using any of the fonts I have in my collection.
Today I have the morning to myself. Randy dropped Chandler at school and headed on to the golf course to play golf. I have just had the best of times sitting here rambling. I am off to finish some laundry, work on my June deliveries, take a soak in my clawfoot tub and maybe sneak in a nap on the couch before going to pick up Chandler from school. He has requested homemade pizza for supper so that is on the later afternoon agenda. As I go about the rest of my day I will be relishing in the Joys of Friendship. Thank You!