I Am Doing Alright

I apologize for being gone -
Am on the move right now -
Here - There - Here again -- Another There --
I am doing alright --
I am doing alright --
I am doing alright --
I am convincing myself --
I am doing alright ---- and it is Sorta Working ! Smile--
Hope YOU are doing alright too!

The Continuation

No One Can----


Understand the pain of losing a child but that of another mother who has lost one. I just checked my email and had a comment from another mother, Pam, who lost her child to a swimming accident three years ago. Thank you for taking the time to post. I would have emailed you but I did not have your email address. I so appreciate your sharing with me --- I plan to purchase the book when we go back down to the valley. There is No Doubt about me understanding your comment --- It has been eight weeks since I have known and I think I am doing fine and out of nowhere ----- out of nowhere ----- it comes ----


The Best We Can Do----


Is understand our feelings and accept them --
And share with others --

Sometimes----
I am doing alright - or so I think - 
I was going to continue soon when I left off a week ago -
But here I am -
A week later and I still would not be writing if it were not for the message from Pam ---
So many people to appreciate for caring enough to share --


I Did My Best ----


The policeman who was on the megaphone-
the one Amber kept calling Paul -
I think his words actually were -
I gave it my all -

I Don't Know What Else I Could Have Done---
When he said this, after saying I gave it my all --
Well, it was what I needed to hear --
for so many times it was our words, Randy's and Mine , about our dealings with Amber --
only ours spanned decades, not 45 minutes --
regardless, decades. years, months, hours, minutes --
giving your all is all that can be asked --


Let's Be Honest----


I was so glad we went to the inquest ---
BUT my  husband warned me ---
even in going -- there would be things that would occur to us later that we wished we had asked -- things with which we would have to live --
He was right --
The last officer to testify was the one swat team member who was employed at the time of the shooting. He was not on the scene when Amber got out of the car -- 
There were 42 rounds fired. This last officer, the swat team member, fired one time. He also testified about a less lethal weapon. 
This is the item that I wish we had heard about earlier ---
I want to know why all of the officers did not have this less lethal weapon in their possession --- for if they had, the weapon could have been used when Amber was outside of the car and approaching the officers --- the outcome would have been much different than the outcome of death --


Have You Ever Noticed ? ----


People say that questions are wanted but then when they are asked --
The only thing in the proceedings that upset me greatly was this--
The jury asked questions -- Randy and I both felt very good about this --
There were a couple of jurors who asked lots of questions. One of the questions asked was why couldn't they have used some kind of weapon, such as a rope with balls attached to the end of the rope, to throw around Amber's ankles, to bring her down, when she was out of the car.
Another question was why the cars were positioned so the vehicle Amber was driving could get through the opening -- 
After he asked this question, the Assistant Attorney General stood up, courtroom style, and said to the judge something to the affect, these questions were about police procedure, not if they had the right to shoot their weapons. 
AAhhhh --- well, well, thank you Mr. Assistant D.A. for putting down a juror asking a question in regards to procedure. Maybe procedure should be in question, in order to prevent another inquest at a later time.


This Is Dedicated----


To everyone who treated us with the utmost respect --
To everyone who went out of their way to do everything possible to answer our questions --
To the reporters who did not pressure us but took our statement and let us be --
To each of you for willing to listen --


At The End Of The Day----


After being taken to the scene of the incident --
There is no way I can properly describe the scene to you --
Where was my camera--- at the hotel ---not with me -- 
Someone from the Coroner's office escorted us to the scene -- I can't say enough about how well we were treated by the Coroner's office and staff..


The scene was like a box canyon --
Rock walls , HIGH, were on both sides ---
The slope went upwards -- I did not walk up and look over the edge -- too steep in the shoes I was wearing and frankly, just did not think to do so -
Had we have done so though, I am sure there was a huge drop off --
There is no way the car could have been driven there though --
Why did she turn there ?
Why did the guard wave her through ? --The lanes were right beside each other -- We were shocked when we saw how close the lanes were to the guard gate -- How could he have mistaken anything she flashed for a pass?
How could the back door have been open on the house they went to?
How could there have been a party going on across the street letting out -- with a car in which there was key less start ? --- Which by the way, had the keys left in the car --- 
The coincidences go on -- and the answers are not there, won't be there, and ultimately don't matter 
FOR
 the reason all of these coincidences happened is because she started using drugs again in the first place -- As a comment on one of the newspaper articles written said -- she was a walking zombie -- poor thing -- the lesson here is not to use METH -- this comment came from x-doc --
You couldn't have said it better, Doc.


After so much time --
Here I am--
Seeming to write much of the same thing--

I have had some pretty rough times --
I wish I had written more sooner --
I wish I had shared more before now but I have just been so
SPORADIC-
 in all of my
Thoughts
Feelings
Actions
Goals
AND MY BEING 


   BUT
I know it is so important to tell others your thoughts and feelings...
It is so important when you go to bed at night to ...
Forgive yourself for the day's mistakes and to Celebrate the day's victories ...
And
to go to sleep ---
Wishing you happy dreams .... Especially tonight, YOU, PAM - 

ON MY PATH TO HEALING FROM THE HOMICIDE OF KELLY AMBER DUPRIEST

Here I Go Again----    
Titles for posts running through my head since Monday night as we left our Las Vegas hideaway and returned to reality --
We Are Far From----
Being put back together again but we make a little progress each day -
  Sometimes two steps forward and three steps back but along the path we are moving forward, at least.


It Is My Hope----


You will understand our path of healing and by taking it with me, you will be able to be of more help to yourself, or someone else faced with a tragedy, whatever the tragedy may be.
At the inquest, we were provided with an advocate. This appears to be a wonderful program Las Vegas has in place. Our advocate's name was Thom. He sat by us, told us what was about to happen or would be happening, asked us questions about our daughter and her life, made sure our needs were attended and was just plain THERE FOR US --
He gave us a booklet about Grief From Homicide
It was very helpful as I read it later. Even though I know the feelings are normal, reading something in black and white, from others having experienced what we have experienced somehow makes it more real.
I will tell you a couple of important facts ---
The word used was FOG ---
You will be in a FOG for three to six months --- There is no timeline on the healing but it will NOT occur quickly.
People might avoid you --- they see if it happened to you it could happen to them and it is frightening.
People will drop the sympathy and talking about the event or loved one much sooner than you are ready to have it dropped. It will be hard to have life proceeding all around you, as if nothing ever really happened.


There Are Those----


 I am so very grateful for -
Thank you for posting comments to me on my blog - Truly, you have no idea how much it means,
Thank you to the countless people who have emailed - Truly, you have no idea how much it means,
Thank you for the beautiful cards and notes of caring - Truly, you have no idea how much it means,
Thank you for the phone calls and messages-Truly, you have no idea how much it means.


We Are All----
Faced with times of pain, in life, on this earth. I am not privy to having this club all to myself -- although, I must admit, there have been times when my thought process was --- TRULY, I MUST BE THE PRESIDENT of the club !! Smile --
And truly, I did just smile ----I wish you could see it through the screen.


It's Been Seven Weeks----
Since Amber died.


The Results Show---- 
She had three to five times the amount of meth in her system than other corpses who have died from overdoses.
 Absorb that for just a minute--
Even though I had a long conversation with the coroner about the toxicology report when it was released, this information had not been relayed, in this manner. The pathologists is the one who testified about his findings.
This was one of the key things we learned by attending the inquest. Here is why it was a key to me --
I had expressed to Randy, some time in the past weeks, it would have been so much easier if Amber had just overdosed.
In an extreme moment of wisdom he told me that she had overdosed. He told me she had used drugs to the point she was unable to make concious, responsible decisions.
 She also had a large amount of alcohol in her system ---


Time and Time Again----
Since attending the inquest, I have been grateful that we made the decision to attend. At first, it seemed like it was an overwhelming thing to do ---- waiting for so many weeks for it to happen ---- having to make the trip to attend --- Even in the week before we were going we would question the need to attend...... I think we both knew we needed to attend but the thought of it was , well, as I said above, overwhelming. Neither of us had ever attended and inquest. We did not know what to expect.




TO BE CONTINUED


No One Can----


The Best We Can Do----


Sometimes----


I Did My Best ----


I Don't Know What Else I Could Have Done---


Let's Be Honest----


Have You Ever Noticed ? ----


This Is Dedicated----


At The End Of The Day----

I'll Be Back

I Will Be Back ---


Been Hiding Out In Las Vegas ---


Forgive My Silence On The Screen ---


As My Heart Has Been Anything But Silent ---

It Comes Out Of Nowhere

Do You Ever Find -


Here I Am -


What You See Is Not What You Get - Or Is It ?


Is It A Lie ?


My Heart - 
  My Empty Heart
  My Full Heart 


People Tell Me


People Think


What Was Your Dream ?


Have You Always ?


So, For How Much Is One Supposed To Be Grateful ?


I Promise


What Would You ?


Does It Really Matter ?


If It Weren't For -


How Is It ?  


Some Of You Have Told Me 


I Want To Be


Trying To Figure It Out


It Doesn't Do Any Good


If It Was Me


If It Was You


There Are Just Too Many 


Marian Cecelia Neill DuPriest - A Broken Mother


I Would Love To Be


It Has Been Brought To My Attention


Not Everyone Has


What Is It


It Just So Happens


What Would You Give Up ?


All of the above are titles for posts that crossed my mind last night --
I would run from the bedroom and jot down a title on one of my many yellow lined tablets -- As you can tell, there was a lot of running and jotting --- but that is as far as I got --- Titles ---


We went to The Orchard ( a beautiful outdoors setting with live music on Wednesday nights ) last night. I was fine, just fine, and then out of nowhere ---- that tight feeling in my gut that slowly made it's way up to my heart and then to my eyes. My throat stuck --- you know the feeling --- the tightness that makes you know if you don't stop dead in the tracks of what you are saying, the tears are going to spill. My husband knows what is happening --- when I stop mid sentence. I would try to get a hold and thought I had and oops --- there it was again. He asked me if I knew what triggered it --- I thought ---
Yes, it was definitely remembering this email I received four days ago ---


CeCe I just heard about Amber. I am so sorry that her life was ended in such a tragic way. You were always there for her as a mother, mentor and partner. When she spoke of you in front of me, you were her hero. I hope hearing that brings you some peace. I am sure she did not relate that view as of recently, even though I am sure if she had gotten help she would have told you that. Chandler is the bright light in all of this. He is a gift from God. Trust God's path and you will find peace. You are in my prayers. 




It was the hero words ---
You see, I felt this from my daughter --- not always, certainly, but sometimes, and for a mother to ever feel this --
 regardless of the pain, 
regardless of the drugs,
 regardless of the conning, 
regardless of the mental illness ----
 there was a connection --- 
and I loved her and she loved me ---
and it is that connection,
regardless of how brief
 or how betrayed by ugliness,
that I grieve - 


I don't know who made the comment -- 
There was no name which was identifiable
If it was you --- Thank You -- If you make another comment, please let me know your name--


And if it was not you ---
Thank You, too  --- for if you are reading these lines --- you are sharing in my being and my healing path and it means more than you know ---------------------------------------

Why Do You Think It Is

Why Do You Think It Is ----


That we are so accepting, of the fact, that each one of us looks like no other 


BUT


We are so unaccepting, of the fact, that each one of us does not think the same as another 


AND


So many people think the way he/she thinks is the ONLY way to think and so they insist on trying to make others think just like them ---

Firiends

     
      I Get By With A Little ( Lotta ) Help From My Friends

The Artist is Lance Hick

The subject is his dad, Jim Hick

Bits and Pieces

Making decisions has been not an easy task these days.

Randy and I have both been amazed at how difficult it is to deal with plans of any sort.

We have finally decided we need to go to the inquest.

We have not heard if Carlos will be charged with murder.

Maria received a bill from WalMart for $130.00

How do people open accounts with no photo ID ??

Maria had taken out a Life Alert account to protect her from this happening so she has called them to deal with this piece of fraud.

She, so far, still does not have the Show Low ticket resolved.

It Bears Repeating

I Get By With A Lotta Help From My Friends