The List

Right this minute I have 13 items on my list to accomplish today.

Posting is not one of them.

Right this minute, it doesn't matter.

It is what I want to do.

Right this minute, I am sad to tell you my cell phone was found yesterday BUT

My cell phone doesn't work.

Right this minute, I am sad to tell you my printer quit copying yesterday. It would print from my computer but it would not copy something placed on the screen.

This meant I had to hand stamp lots of smiles and more on 75 large sticker tags for a business project.

Right this minute I am wondering what happened yesterday with Amber's court date.

Did she show up? Did they plea bargain?

Right this minute, I am irritated that I would even take time to wonder what happened at court yesterday. I don't want this to be a part of my life in any way, shape, or form.

Right this minute, I am pondering the counseling review meeting we had yesterday for Chandler's counseling. Since Grandy is in the valley on paint detail and Chandler's teacher could not attend ( she emailed a detailed report which was quite favorable for the most part )

it was Ria, Chandler and I, in the session. The counselor somehow did not have us down for an appointment ( her mistake ) but she had a cancellation so it worked out. I have told you many times in the past Chandler seems to do better than any of us. This continues to be the case. Some positive things, in my mind, came from this session.

1. Discussion concerning the amount of time one should commit to trying an activity before giving up on said activity. Chandler wants to try Scouts.

2. Maria asked the counselor if she could recommend an adult counselor up here for her. The counselor said she would check into it and call Ria.

3. The number two item was asked after Ria bringing up she and Chandler had attended church this past Sunday at a Lutheran church. Ria had discussed this possibility with Randy last week while I was in the valley. Upon their attendance last Sunday, Chandler found a classmate in attendance. Said friend wanted Chandler to attend bible study on Thursday afternoons. Chandler had asked if he could do this. Ria was concerned about talking to Chandler about her not wanting him to go to this class. Why you might ask would she not want him to go to bible study if she has taken him to church? Seems Ria stayed after the service ( which she liked) to talk to the pastor. She left church that day very upset. She did not elaborate on the exact conversation but it was obvious her sexual orientation was unacceptable to the pastor. Both the counselor and I expressed to Maria that there is a church out there that will be welcoming to both Chandler and Maria. The counselor talked about Ria and Chandler shopping for a good fit for them and visiting various churches before deciding where they want to attend. This subject always, always, always brings up unpleasant, unsmiling, emotions in me. I have a very difficult time......will leave the rest for your imagination.

4. Another topic was talking to Chandler about his Mommy Amber. Does he want to hear about what we hear is going on with her? He is to ask if he wants to know something. When and if she shows up wanting to see him he does not want to be left alone with her. He wants one of us to be present while he is in her company. This also evoked some pretty strong emotions within me. I do not want to deal with her in any way, shape or form. I want her to STAY AWAY forever-------------I do not want Chandler to have to deal with her in any way, shape, or form. I do not want Grandy to have to deal with her in any way, shape, or form. I do not want Ria to have to deal with her in any way, shape, or form.

Right this minute I am pondering the seemingly sudden shift in my emotions last night as I talked to Grandy ,on the phone, recapping the counseling session and the rest of the day's happenings.

Grandy has been on paint detail. When I arrive in the valley tomorrow we have a week before we are scheduled for a week's vacation in CA. We had discussed painting, painting, painting during this week. While talking he mentions he has signed up to play in a golf tournament on both Saturday and Sunday. OOOOPPPPSSS-----there goes the smile, here comes the frown, here comes the doom, here comes the disappointment, here comes the dismay, here comes the ------- what happened to the sooner we finish the job the sooner we do not need to be one of us up in Pinetop and one in the valley??? Well, I can tell you where it comes from---It would be fine with Grandy if it took a year to get the job done. It is not fine with me--- Sounds like a typical difference in personalities taking place. Seems we need to do some prep work on both our expectations and get a plan of action in place for compromises on both our parts. Some communication. Yes, communication is in order.

Right this minute, I am realizing it was a culmination of emotions that were brought to the surface from the day's little events and then the counseling session. I am a very passionate, opinionated person. Two topics of much distress were brought up in the counseling session.

Right this minute I am understanding I will feel sorrow, I will feel anger, I will feel disappointment and I need to allow myself to feel those emotions---for if I don't allow myself to feel these emotions how will I allow myself to feel joy, happiness, and hope? .

Right this minute I am smiling again. I hope you are as well.