What to Write

What to Write?

What to Think?

What to Feel?

What to Explain?

What to Contemplate?

What to Forget?

What to Want?

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, now I know What to Write.

I am proud of myself for recognizing when I need a counseling booster shot. I was filled with anger and felt betrayed by more than one family member. When family dynamics change relationships change. Because of my ability to understand it is a strength and not a weakness to seek guidance , once again I have learned more about dealing with this thing called Life.

Some of you may already understand this concept. It is a different way of giving me the message I certainly have become privy to over the years.   One only controls oneself.

My anger and feelings of betrayal were due to my WANTS---- Wants over which I have no control. When I want something that I can not give myself and  want  something that is in the hands of another I am setting myself up for hurt and anger. 

I have also learned to better look out for myself. I have learned that it is not a bad thing to do. 

I have relearned ( I know myself well, though, and this one will be a difficult one to keep in my brain ) I cannot and do not need to make everything alright with others. It is often an impossible task. I do not need to choose to be a victim of other's choices. I need to be true to myself and at no cost do I sacrifice my being for another. I want to say that last sentence again. It is an important one to repeat for I know in many people's upbringing this is a foreign concept. At NO COST do I sacrifice my being for another. This does not mean I do not love the other person. It means I love myself enough to recognize I am as important as another. I am on my journey. Others are on theirs.

And so it is I return to wants. I want to work on remembering all of the above. I want to rejoice that regardless of my journey, I do not control someone else's journey. Too often I try to take responsibility for someone else. 

With that I will close for the evening as I want to turn on the television and veeeeeggggggg out for a few minutes! I know it will not be long before I want to go to bed and dream of a perfect world, for it is only in my dreams that the world is perfect.

 

A Beautiful Day

These beauties will be going to Pinetop to be planted in the flower beds.

Thank You, Janell! They are beautiful as are you.

This beauty will be worn around my neck. Thank you Joyce. It is beautiful like you.

This beauty---uuuummmmm---what? Well, I consider it a beauty as it is the first and only thing I have done with my online class. It is on a paper bag. Have bought many more supplies and am looking forward to spray paint stenciling up in Pinetop. I had the best of times watching three weeks of class videos in marathon mode. I am liking this online class business so far even if I have not done my assignments. The teacher is not in front of me knowing I have not done my homework. Yep, think this is the best way to go to school! 

Maybe I will take back my last statement under the picture above. I met Kim of Sweet Sage Vintage, at Starbucks yesterday. We met at four in the afternoon and we closed Starbucks down! Being with her was like looking at eye candy blogs for me. She gave me a lesson on the computer about using Flickr. Oh My-- some fun things ahead of me!!!! None of the photographs above have been altered. I hope to play with them a little and post the before and after. See the hat on me. Kim's beautiful daughter, Brianna, sent it to me with instructions to stay out of the sun. Can you guess what Brianna does to earn a living? Skin care and laser treatments. It is going to take more than a hat to help my skin these days but it is a start! Thank you, Brie! Thank you Kim for the wonderful time we had together and making my heart beat faster with all the fun ways I will be playing.

I am off to another counseling session. Gordon is hypnotizing me today to help me stay centered. Maybe I will talk about hypnotism in a later post. It really does make a difference. And with that, I will leave you to have a beautiful day.

Before and After Counseling

Before Counseling Today: Anguished and Tormented

After Counseling Today:  Centered and Peaceful

The Case of Which Shoes to Wear

Wednesday morning I went to an appointment for a pedicure and a manicure. I knew I would be speaking at my mother's service. I wanted to be well groomed since I more than once would mention her perfectionism and her habits of cleanliness.

Just as we were walking out the door I put my shoes on my feet. Immediately my left foot started screaming at me. SCREAMED NO, I will not endure wearing these shoes so you can look cute. The cost is too high. Forget it.

I ran back to my closet and quickly grabbed another pair of shoes. Upon putting them on my feet and looking down, my brain now screamed. You just paid a pretty penny to get a pedicure that not one person will  see, if you wear these shoes. What would your mother think?

Instant Answer--- Wear the plastic flip flops. They are black. They match the dress. They are comfortable. Even though I will be mentioning the fact, at the service, that my mother never let me wear a pair of inexpensive shoes when I was growing up, the act of wearing the plastic flip flops will speak to one more Because of My Mother--- 

Because of My Mother I am secure in what I wear and not afraid of what others will think.

I wonder if any other daughter has worn plastic flip flops to her mother's service. I kind of hope not. It would be nice to be unique. But then again, every mother has unique beauty as does every human being.  Besides, as my mother would say over and over again ( I bet you all have heard this one too! ) Beauty is Only Skin Deep. I imagine there will be many other Because of My Mother thoughts I will have in the upcoming days and weeks.

Would love to hear one of your favorites about your mother.

Fill in the blank:    Because of My Mother _________________.

Because of My Mother

Because of my mother I know how to swim. She took me to swim lessons at the YMCA. She could not swim and she wanted to make sure I did not go thorough life afraid of water. Well, I am not afraid of swimming pools but the ocean and all those fish scare me. No scuba diving here, thank you very much.

Because of my mother I know how to sew. In the sixth grade I made my first completed apparel item, for me to wear, not my dolls. It was a circle skirt. Now you can just imagine how long it took me to make this skirt ( do you remember how full these were?)  because if a seam was even the slightest bit off,- I am talking 1/32 of an inch here folks, I was made to rip it out. To this day, if asked the one tool one cannot be without, when sewing, I say a seam ripper. It is not used as often by me as when I was under my mother's watchful eyes.

Because of my mother I know how to make pie crusts and bake a cake from scratch. Not that I do it very often but I do know how. My mother was the best cook of anyone I knew growing up.  Because of her I make some pecan rolls that are like no one else's. They are made from my mother's original recipe.

Because of my mother I know how to knit. She taught me at a very early age. I would take my knitting to school, in the fourth grade, so I had something to do, at my seat, ( this was a long time ago when one was not allowed out of one's seat without permission ) when I finished my work early.

Because of my mother my school work, my room, and all other controllable aspects of my life tend to be neat. A place for everything and everything in it's place ---- now, there might be clutter as my mother also taught me you can always buy one more thing to house many more things, if necessary.  BUT, if you do that, just know, by my mother's standards, you are required to dust every single thing, every singe day. I quipped on my blog that I can just imagine God might already be annoyed with her for continuously dusting the clouds!

Because of my mother, I am thrifty. My dad used to say my mother's grave stone should read, " Here lies Madeline Neill,

                             She died making a better deal."  I haven't checked, I don't think he actually carried through with this, did you dad?

Because of my mother, I have an innate sense of design. My mother did not grow up in a wealthy home, quite the opposite. But all of the time I knew my mother she had a sense of design and style. 

Because of my mother I love fine things. When I met my husband, one of his friends told him I would be high maintenance. He was right. My mother insisted we wear Buster Brown shoes. I did not get to purchase a pair of "cheap" shoes until I was an adult out on my own. She, to my knowledge, never owned a single piece of costume jewelry. She wanted the "real" thing and she wanted the best. 

Because of my mother I know how to set a table and I know how to entertain. I know how to create special gift wraps and holiday decorations. My brother and I always had original Easter baskets, again, made from scratch. I credit my imaginative business packaging ideas to my mother. She taught me to color within the box but to make the box different shapes.

Because of my mother many people say I am generous. All through my mother's life I witnessed her giving to others.  And giving, and giving. Most recently, her favorite giving experiences were when her great grandson would visit. After one such visit, Chandler got in the car with his Grandy, and shyly asked," Did you get any money". Unfortunately for Grandy, the answer was no. Mother had given Chandler $60. In the visits for the past few months though, there was no money being given. One of the many indications my mother's body was wearing out.

Because of my mother I was afforded the opportunity to finish college and I did. She paid for my tuition, secretly, after I married, at a very young age. I do suspect though that my father knew this was happening but just kept quiet because he too wanted me to have an education.

Because of my mother I own more Waterford Crystal than any of my friends, and I suspect any of their friends and on and on. My mother loved Waterford Crystal. The beauty is seen throughout my house and when I see it I see my mother's beauty, as well.

Because of my mother I create. My mother always enjoyed crafts and creating. When we lived in Savannah, GA. in the first home my parents ever bought I can distinctly remember two of these creative endeavors. My mother made slip covers for the den ( what it was called in those days ) furniture. I am not talking about loose slip covers that can now be bought at such places as Target. I am talking about professional slip covers. She decided she was doing it and that was that. The one that brings a smile to my face though is the next one. During those years, don't remember which one exactly-I was just a kid, it became fashionable to wear halter tops in the summer. My mother and her next door neighbor friend, Ginny, decided to make their own halter tops. They bought bras and added ruffles and embellishments to them. They wore them too! I think my favorite had red and white polka dot ruffles. Maybe that is why red is one of my favorite colors!

Because of my mother I know what soap taste like. I got my mouth washed out with soap at the age of three or four. It kept me, until I was an adult, from using my mother's favorite cuss word, shit. Once I knew my mouth would not be washed out with soap, I followed in my mother's foot steps. Only difference is, I do not apologize each time I use it!

Because of my mother I am not a procrastinator. I am focused. Do not put off till tomorrow what you can do today was one of her many teachings.

Because of my mother I want things done " right". If a job is worth doing it is worth doing right, was another favorite saying.  There could be some argument over what is "right" but believe you me, I know her definition of right and I have taken on that role. Just ask my husband !

Because of my mother I was shown the capability of often overcoming shyness. My mother was President of the Officer's Wives Club twice. However, her perfectionism nature also  got in the way of her accomplishing some of her goals. She was not able to finish college because of the pressure she placed on herself  to be the BEST student on every single project, tests, etc. Anything less than an A was failure. For this I am also grateful to my mother, as it taught me not to be a perfectionist. 

Because of my mother, I am remembering and celebrating a beautiful woman. I know my mother would want you to honor her by raising a glass of wine, preferably red, and toast to living a beautiful life. I happen to know she would not mind, in the least, if you did this quite often.

 

What Was I Thinking

What was I thinking

this morning on the way home from dropping Chandler off at school?

 I seriously needed a Starbuck's Latte and I seriously wanted a piece of Lemon Pound cake.

What was I thinking

when I was told there will be no more lemon pound cake at Starbucks?

Seems the company thinks there is a quality control issue as the icing sometimes slides off the pound cake. Well, duh, just start leaving off the icing. The quality control issue is bigger with the banana bread slice I bought in place of the pound cake, if you ask me. The Banana Bread was dry.I am not happy about no more lemon pound cake.

What was I thinking

when I discovered an empty trash can next door, at neighbors that are not up here right now? 

Yes! Yes! Yes!, is what I was thinking. Last week I forgot to put the trash out so this week there was two loads full. Chandler and I "borrowed" the can and now all of our trash will be gone later today! Yes!

What was I thinking?  

I signed up for my first ever online class, Stencilry. You can read about it at www.dispatchfromla.typepad.com 

Marissa from m-artologist.blogspot.com is taking the class. I found out about it via reading her blog. Sign ups continue thought the 24th of the month. From what little I looked at last night on the first lesson, it is going to be well worth the $40. cost for the class. You might want to check it out.

What was I thinking?

 Must have been thinking I would rather be playing than going to the valley for my mother's funeral. My mother would rather me be playing. I KNOW this and it is a nice thing that I know this.

What was I thinking

when I found out my dad spent $15,000. on my mother's funeral that she did not want?

I was thinking it is a good thing my mother isn't in that body because you know the old saying " turn over in your grave"? Well, my mother would be worn out from continuously turning over in hers! As I said in an earlier post, I have come to terms with my dad doing what my dad needs to do ,and, I have! Smile.

What was I thinking

when I called my dad and asked him if we could take everyone to my mother's favorite restaurant, after the funeral, for lunch and before I could even get the sentence out he barked very loudly," No, that is not what I want!"?

O.K. dad, what are you thinking everyone will do afterwards since it is at lunch time?  "GO HOME!", comes the next bark. Alright, then, dad! Smile. Am hoping this means I get to go home too! Actually some of my close friends plan to go to Rigatoni's ( my mom's favorite ) and Randy is calling dad to tell him they have invited us to join them and would he like to go ?  We will see what he says.

What was I thinking?

when Ria called last night to tell me my daughter now knew about my mother's death .

I was thinking I hope I do not hear from her. I do not need to deal with more anguish.

What was I thinking?

  After hanging up I was thinking it might have been Amber.  I do not want to deal with more anguish. 

What was I thinking?

when I got to spend over an hour yesterday on the phone with my dear friend Suzanne in TN? Bliss, Bliss, Bliss

What was I thinking when Chandler and I read from our current bedtime book, Where The Red Fern Grows?

 I was thinking it is nice that he still wants to be read to at night.

What was I thinking

when I started writing this post? 

I was thinking I am grateful to have this creative outlet and to know there are others out there that share with me. To receive such a warm, cozy, feeling via such a cold, mechanical device is well, special, just plain special!

What are you thinking today?

Saturday Night Chronicle

Was it really just this morning that I posted? Seems like longer ago. If anyone has read this morning's post previous to this post one knows my time frame is a little off. I originally had it titled Friday's Chronicles instead of Saturday's. Honestly, did not even know this until I saw the date of Saturday when I first opened my blog to post right now.

Anyway, I succeeded in my quest for today. I created some happiness. Am showing you two parts of it below. The third will have to wait awhile. I must admit though, the third required the use of my mother's favorite cuss word, S_ _ t, a few times. I could not get my printer to print from my Pages program. I have a new printer and my husband has it set up for wireless BUT something is amiss! Without my tech guy in house and phone help not doing the trick I was quite frustrated. Do not know how it happened but it did spit out one copy of what I was trying to print. I did some cut and pasting and then just used it as a master, to copy, sooooooooooooooooooo I did get it done! Smile. Will show you this sometime later as the project is not finished completely.

I have been wanting to get the words Sweet Dreams on this section of my head board ever since we hung it a few months ago. Accomplished today. Now, hopefully, it will remind me to have only Sweet Dreams. Wishing the same for you.

Like the saying on the head board, I have been wanting to get this vintage print in the frame. Accomplished today. Kim, of 

Sweet Sage Vintage, and Dear Bonnie, do you notice they are PINK roses?! Everyone, I used to hate the color pink. Am a red girl. Still a red girl at heart but finding some common ground  and liking the softer side of red now. Never thought I would say that.

Also have been reading further today on the 90 Minutes in Heaven book. Just not sure about it yet. Well, that is about it. Took a nap, of course. Read a daily reading in my The Language of Letting Go book--Daily meditations for Codependents. Now this is a book I recommend with no reservations what so ever. It is the most powerful daily reading book I have ever encountered. If it does not speak to you one day, it will the next, regardless of your situation. Now, if I can only get my exercise of the body moving a little. Always something on which to work. Grateful that this is the case! Oh yes, don't forget, Sweet Dreams, everyone!

Saturdays Chronicle

  I had an email from a friend that expressed my feelings about my mom's death perfectly-

She said she was glad my mom had left that body and was on to other things.

Lovely, just lovely.

Yesterday I got the cottage cleaned , well, to my standards, not my mother's. I must admit though I did do a little extra--like vacuuming under all the sofa cushions. 

Last night I went to bed very late. I started reading the book, Ninety Minutes In Heaven. I had bought it weeks ago when a cousin told me about it after the death of her husband. So far it is very interesting. I will update you on what I think as I read further.

Today I plan to groom myself and then off to the studio. I need to put away lots of stuff and then I am planning to create something. I have an idea in my head and am looking forward to playing. 

I am struggling once again with my daughter. In her teenage years, when we were involved with Tough Love, there was a book I read and one of the questions was,  If you would not allow a stranger to treat you in such a manner why would you allow a relative? I think the hardest time I am having with the whole of the matter is just knowing I have never really known who she is. I think my mother's death has added to the sadness of letting my daughter go and be who she wants to be. She has always professed to be so close to her grandmother but as the saying goes, Actions speak louder than words. I have no desire to contact her and have no intention of doing so. I do not want to be a part of her life, in any way,  at the moment. The hard part is being forced to be involved, at some degree, because of Chandler. As I wrote to a friend, it is always in the crevices, even when it is not in the front of my brain.

Well, my brain needs a bath, as does my body, so it is off to do the grooming thing so I can get into that studio and create some happiness!

Inquiring Minds Want To Know

How I Am---

To be perfectly honest, I don't know. Here are the reasons why, in a rambling sort of way.

Yesterday, I started reading my newest Artful Blogging publication. I love reading these publications. I do! Once again though, in the introduction, I got my feathers in a flutter over some of the language describing artful blogging. Why, I ask myself? I am not trying to be an artful blogger. I am trying to be a real blogger. So, why do I care what someone else defines an Artful Blogger as?

 

When I went to bed last night, I cried. I am crying at the most unexpected times. Not that when I go to bed is an unusual time to cry, just other times when it comes out of the blue. I can just be looking at something or someone and BINGO-- I score the tear winner.

Most of my friends have very different thoughts about their parents and the death of their parents and maybe death in general, than I do. I love my parents but I have never, ever been attached to my parents in ways I see other's attached to theirs. I have two very close friends who have been depressed and devastated for about a year after losing their moms.  It feels strange to me that I do not feel what so many others seem to feel. Sometimes I almost don't want to even say anything out loud as I know others must be amazed by what I express.   Here is an example. I have no desire what so ever to go to the valley to attend my mom's funeral. My mom is not there. She is in heaven. I will go, of course, for my dad. Otherwise----just seems silly to me. I know my mom would want everyone to go out to eat and drink a glass of wine ( or two! ) and enjoy themselves. She would want others to engage in what brings them joy. There is a stipulation to that though--- she wold want you to do what ever it is you are doing, PERFECTLY. My mom was a perfectionist. When she taught me to sew, if a seam was 1/32nd of an inch off, she would have me rip it out.  She was the best house keeper one would EVER want to meet. As with most qualities, this was a blessing and a curse.  I can imagine God even being a little disturbed by her dusting the clouds off already! 

How am I?  

I think I am extremely stressed. Thirty one years ago, my husband of ten years, Amber's birth father, finally succeeded in committing suicide. I was teaching school, at the time. I can remember when I was going back to work my main concern was for how my fellow teachers were going to feel when they saw me. I knew they would not know what to say and I feared they would be uncomfortable. I also knew they would be a bit curious about what had happened to lead up to someone taking his life. I wanted to tell them, " It's alright. Ask me about it!" You see, I learned from this time in my life, sharing and talking is healing. I would tell anyone that would listen, my story, over and over again. It was therapeutic. I also was determined to show everyone I was "alright". My mind was saying one thing but my body was showing something quite different. I lost down to 87 pounds. If I could only bottle what was going on inside of me at that time into a diet pill I would be quite wealthy, in financial terms. I just was not hungry. When I would sit down to eat, my body felt like I had already just eaten a full meal. I was also sleep deprived. Not because I did not want to sleep but because I would just lay there and sleep would not come. It avoided me like the plague. Eventually, I healed. Eventually, I gained back weight and I began to sleep again. Eventually, I loved, yes, loved my life.

Some signs of not being alright are exhibited in my life now. Not the same signs but signs. My husband is a wonderful man. All that know him will affirm this proclamation. I love him dearly but right now I am at his throat much of the time. All of the little things that bug me seem to be magnified ten fold. The anger thing. This morning I have had the thought that perhaps I am angry with myself and thus taking all of my self anger out on my husband. Could be. Thinking I need to do what I so often tell others--- time for a counseling session.

Today I am cleaning the cottage. I am also taking a nap. Love those naps. I finished May product presentation, for my business, late last night. Huge relief. I really messed up this month as one of  my designs was very labor intensive. I love designing so much but sometimes I get carried away with the amount of  work I put into a design. Making a few of something is one thing but making over a hundred of them means I best be a little more realistic!!!  I will try to take pictures and post them. They are really cute, if I do say so myself.

So, back to how am I? A little good

                                            A little bad

                                            A little happy

                                            A little sad

                                            A little tired

                                            A little mad

                                            A little confused

                                            But very glad

                                            I KNOW there is joy still to be had!

Wishing each of you a perfect kind of day! You can now rest assured the clouds will be dust free!

                                            

Heaven

My mother died earlier this evening. I was on the phone with my dad when the Hospice facility called him. He had just left there 45 minutes earlier. My mom was gasping for breath and he could not stand to watch. I am so glad her struggles are over. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. My dad seems to be doing as well as possible. I thought the following was pretty cute. When my husband heard from me about my mom, he called my dad to see how he was and if he wanted to go get supper somewhere. Dad told him, no, he wanted to stay home. Told Randy he would be fine as long as the margaritas lasted. Randy told him he didn't know how long the margs would last but he knew there was plenty of tequila. You see, my mom always made sure there was plenty of EVERYTHING. Not too very long ago, my dad gave us a case of green beans. My mom had three cases of them. She was quite the 

Costco fan. My mom preferred wine so the next time you have a margarita, or a glass of wine, how about toasting all the wonderful women who have made this earth a better place.

Isn't There Some Rule?

Isn't there some rule somewhere that after Easter it should not snow? I just looked out the kitchen window as I was taking my last old people pill for the evening and I saw the ground covered in white. No wonder I started another fire in the fireplace this evening.

You Know It Don't Come Easy

Trying to figure out exactly what to post.

So many things and yet much the same.

Call late last night from nurse at hospital saying if we wanted to say good bye to mom to come. She had not been moved to Hospice yet because her Dr. wanted to see her one last time???? Hello? He had seen her three times already. She had a massive heart attack that then caused the stoke. There was one hospice bed at the facility closest to my dad. They would not hold the bed but he wanted to see her one more time?????? Ahhhhhhhhhhhh---

Well- back to call --- I did not answer my phone as it was my cell and my husband would have been calling on land line. By the time I got up, got message and called back they had called my dad already. Long story short, Randy got up, got dad, took him to hospital. After being there for three hours my dad told Randy this was not his cup of tea, waiting and watching. Randy took him home. I have never ever understood why people wake people up to tell them of a death or to come to say good-bye. I just don't get it. Good-byes have been said long before this stage of the game. When one is in the condition my mother is in, one is not thinking of earthly matters. I know I have a very different view point of death, though.  Sean Penn, at the Academy Awards, said something about understanding how difficult he made it, at times, for people to like him. I am well aware that some of my view points are not held by many others in this society.

Today: Mom still alive. Randy and Dad very tired. Luckily another bed opened up at Hospice facility. Mom moved. Dad and Randy tell me it is just lovely, really, really, nice.

Funeral arrangements made.

I was to pick Chandler up and take him to mommy Ambers. I picked him up but he came home with me. Heard through Ria, she was having a bad day and I should keep him. I read to him before he goes to bed each night. Tonight was one of those special nights when I got some serious, unexpected expressions of love and gratitude from him----the kind which makes each parent or grandparent's heart burst with joy. Now THIS is what it is all about.

No, it don't come easy, but sometimes it comes and when it does it is pure heaven. So,if the heaven my mother is about to enter ( and I believe it is ) is as joyful as the heaven on earth Chandler showed me this evening, she will be a very happy woman, not just in an every now and then moment but continuously. Good for you, Mom!

Monday Edition

Looks Like the Easter Bunny Brought Some Smiles

The Last Picture I have of Mom and Dad together

The snow is melted but I still have the fire going in the fireplace. I imagine I should let it go out today. I will have to talk to my husband about the weather. I am not a big weather channel fan. 

The Easter bunny left me a lovely gift yesterday. My dad chose no feeding tube for my mother and had the Dr. place a DNR in her file. She was moved out of  I.C.U. into a more comfortable setting. This morning my husband will be visiting the mortuary, gathering information on cremation and plots. Then my dad and Randy will go to the hospital to meet with Hospice. The Dr. that talked to Randy and my dad is one of the heroes in my life right now. Randy said he had never heard a Dr. do a better job communicating, in a loving way. My mother did indeed suffer a very bad stoke on her left side. The Dr. told my dad Hospice will be immediately involved and will explain the options for my mother being moved to another facility or being moved back home to transition from this earth to heaven. 

I have come to terms with doing whatever it is my dad chooses to do with my mom's remains. I was reminded by my dear Suzanne, as even I have said over and over again to others, my mom will not be in that body. She will be gone. It really makes no difference what my dad does. Earlier, it was not the literal act that bothered me. It was him not honoring her wishes. I am glad I have told my husband, many times, do whatever it is that is easiest for you. I am choosing cremation but if it does not work for you---my wish is your wish. And so it is in my mind I have decided they were together for 66 years. He is the one left on this earth so whatever is easiest for him I will honor.

Blessings to each of you-

Here Comes The Easter Bunny Thanking You

I think we will be hunting eggs indoors!

I was just leaving a comment on my last post when I decided I should write my sincere appreciation in a new post. I have learned through various avenues there are many people who read my blog and hold me in their thoughts and prayers. My life, as I posted in the beginning stages of my blog, has always been an open book. I am not a perfect person. I am a human being with the capability of all emotions. It is the way I and all others in the human race were created. My dear friend Suzanne, once had a counselor ask her how she could expect to feel the greatest of love without thinking she would experience the greatest of all other emotions. Through my blog, through my conversations, through all means of communication with me, I tend to tell it like I see it. ( Just ask my dear friend Bonnie about a rug I once saw in her house! ) Sometimes I see it correctly and sometimes I don't. My hope in sharing is that in some way it helps me heal and it also helps others to know we all have our stuff. When I write, I write from my heart. Thank you to all of you who understand this. Thank you to all of you for your prayers. Thank you to all of you for encouragement. I feel the caring even if it is only through the air waves and not expressed in writing or verbal expression. Thank You!

Update: Today was another very difficult one for me. There was a lot of more developments that were quite upsetting.

1.Amber and Ria stuff.

2.My husband is in the valley and dealing with my dad and mom while I am here with Chandler. My husband is afraid my dad will just keep my mother alive even though these are not her wishes. She had a stoke. She is not eating and tomorrow the feeding tube will be discussed with my dad. The nurse talked to Randy earlier tonight after speaking to my father. 

3. My mother, in no uncetain terms, wants to be cremated. She and I both, have read the book, Graduation To Glory ( which I highly recommend) and this is both of our wishes. Today my dad told my husband he knows that is what my mother wants but he does not want to do that for her.-----Once again, anger. Should I care????? I am feeling guilty either way. This man has been married to this woman for 66 years. Thank goodness it is my husband in the valley dealing with this right now. Years and years ago, I found a wonderful cemetary in Scottsdale and at my parent's request got all the information. My dad indicated he had taken care of all of this. He admitted this to Randy today when he told Randy he would need our help making all the arrangements.  Now, upon hearing he had not taken care of things years ago, I thought to myself----well, might be best, since mom, for the last few years, has been adament about the fact she wants to be cremated. Then I get the news my father is not going to honor her wishes. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-----

Again, it is what it is and as my husband constantly reminds me we are doing the best we can do and that is all we can do.

So---speaking of the best we can do, seems to me it is the eve of Easter and there is a little boy upstairs, asleep, waiting on the Easter Bunny to arrive tonight. He knows who the Easter bunny is and I guess it is a good thing I know as well!!! Smile. Maybe I should go outside and leave some bunny tracks in the snow!

Again, my sincerest, filled to the brim of the prettiest Easter egg thanks, to each of you. 

Today As Is Often The Case

Art Piece by Kim of Sweet Sage Vintage.

Today, as is often the case, there was more Amber drama. 

Today, as is often the case, I felt the reaching out and thoughts of many.

Today, as is often the case, Chandler made me smile.

Today, as is often the case, my heart ached  but it was a much better day than last night.

Today, as is often the case, I am concerned for my parents. I had a call from my dad. My mother has had either a stroke or a heart attack and is in intensive care. We will know more tomorrow. My mother is in no condition to be taken care of by my father anymore. She is not the person she would want to be on this earth. I am hoping for grace to be granted to her.

Today, as is often the case, I realize regardless of the current outcome with my mother, grace is involved whether visible by me or not.

Today, as is often the case, I am wishing all the best of the best to each of you.

Happy Easter Weekend!

Angry, I Feel Angry

I feel angry. Much of the time I feel angry. I don't want to feel angry. I am trying not to feel angry. Despite this, I feel angry. I think I should be big enough to show the world my ability to handle what ever is thrown my way. Even though I know it will someday be alright, at this moment, my insides do not feel alright. My entire being tonight is angry.

My daughter made the newspaper - this time not for graduating from college with honors. I was going to reproduce the article but I can't find it. My husband must have put it away somewhere so Chandler would not see it. It is late and I don't want to awaken him to tell me where it is. Basically the article spoke of her being arrested on a felony domestic charge for running into two vehicles belonging to her 26 year old x-boyfriend, while being very intoxicated. Today she went to court for completely separate charges involving a disturbing the peace charge. This involved a fight. I know this only because Ria took  her to court because she is without a vehicle. Much of the time we all feel held hostage because of her legal rights over this precious little boy. The P.T. Cruiser she purchased, on our credit card, without our permission, along with $4,000. worth of other spending on bar bills, downloading music, etc., over the course of the month of October, is in the hands of the police, I think. How do you like that run on sentence. Just seems like there is a constant stream of run on with her. Seems she reported it stolen for purposes that are unclear, but that is another story. Something involving a hit and run accident, perhaps! Why, you ask, would she have our credit card? It was a credit card we had together,  for the purpose of redoing the house in Pinetop. With her outstanding interior  design degree she was overseeing the renovation for us. This was before we were aware of any problem with her. The card was cancelled immediately upon the first inkling of trouble. 

Yesterday she offered, to Ria, to quit claim deed her portion of the house over to us for the cost of $5,000. This is the house that our family already has  over $70,000. invested. Oh, and she wants a paper giving her rights to profits on the house when it is sold. Profits?

She also, for the umpteenth time is threatening to move to the valley and take Chandler with her.

Yes, angry. I just feel angry and I do not like the way anger feels. Although, as I have said before anger feels better than hurt. However, I think I have read or heard before, if one looks close enough, at the root of anger is hurt. I do not like the way either feels.

All Mixed Up

When I arrived at the cottage on Tuesday afternoon, this is one of the first things I noticed-spring bulbs AND there was no snow to be found anywhere. Maybe warmer days and sitting on the porch are in the not too distant future!

BUT

This morning I awoke to-

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

it seems the weather is much like my life right now, all mixed up.

Trash and Beauty

Lately I have been working at getting rid of some of the trash in my life. This past week I have put up a valiant effort!

The Beauty of it all!

Beautiful cover, huh?

As I looked through the magazine I found things that I liked , things that I liked a little more and then lots of things, especially in the back half of the book, that I loved!

Sort of like real life, huh?

This is a wonderful little book. Bonnie gave it to me years ago and I keep it on my bedside table  I just saw it at Barnes and Nobel and it was on sale big time.  I highly recommend it.

I am grateful for my anger as it helps keep the hurt at bay.

One of my friends had  family visiting last week from another state. They don't stay at her house . They stay somewhere in- between both of the grandmothers. Over the course of the past few years there has been disappointment, on her part, from the lack of communication and lack of being treated in a kind matter. I received an email from her this week and another unkind thing had occurred. She did not say what the exact occurrence was but she did say she had exercised control in fighting back tears all day. At the end of the email she expressed the following, which smacked me right between the eyes.

                                          I wish I could get angry instead of hurt!

It dawned on me the importance of this statement, not to her ( although she certainly already had it figured out ) but to me. I have been doing somewhat better lately in dealing with my daughter. Now part of this is because I have had a week's sabbatical to be in the valley. Just being removed from sharing the same town with her has been helpful. BUT, the most helpful thing of all has been the emotion of anger. How could a daughter sell one of her mother's prized possessions and blatantly lie about  and continue to lie about it even when there is proof this was done? How could a daughter hold her son hostage for a pack of cigarettes and money? How could a daughter who is smart and beautiful get her name in the paper because she has been arrested for a felony charge of running into two cars on purpose? How does said daughter get the charges vacated and time and time again get by with unsavory events when the mother of this daughter has most of the police department out, in full force ,when she has innocently followed a school bus for her grandson.  

 How? How? How? the questions form in my mind. Yes, anger is my friend right now because when I employ it  I am the least heartbroken. 

Someone Elses Life

A picture of me with Janice,one of the many friends, in my life, in which I place trust

  

 As I read the scrapgirls muse today, written by Deboroh Wilcox, I was reminded each of us face different challenges, heart aches, joys and triumphs. Each of us looks different, each of us thinks differently, and each of us feels emotions differently. 

  Deboroh was diagnosed with MS on Labor Day in 2006. In the muse, she describes how it felt, feels now, and how she copes with the illness. She also reveals her husband of 30 years left her after the diagnosis. I was just in a discussion, with some friends about how it must feel to have a spouse not be the person one has trusted. I am thinking about the word trust this morning. In so many areas of our lives we depend on trust. Once we feel secure in something or someone, we trust. Us humans tend to rely on trust and take it for granted. An example that comes to mind is traffic lights. We trust the other cars will obey the lights and signals. Sometimes people do not. Sometimes people die because they trusted and did not exert caution when proceeding after the signal changed. Sometimes people are killed despite being careful after the signal has changed. The other driver, be it from negligence, a sudden medical condition, or driving while under the influence, disobeys the traffic signal and plows into an oncoming car. Even though this happens, the rest of us continue to trust in the system because more often than not the system bears out our trust.

Some of the definitions I found in the dictionary for the word trust

       1. confidence: faith: belief in the goodness of someone

       2. expectation or hope

       3. one who or that which is confided in

       4. credit granted because of belief in one's honesty

It has occurred to me, just as our bodies can be abused by the traffic lights being disregarded, our emotions are abused when our faith is disregarded, be it faith in someone else or ourselves. This is not a new thought, by any means, just a reflective one today as I read Deborah's muse, thought about another woman whose husband left her after 30 something years, and about my own personal dealings with life. I wonder if Deborah found it harder to deal with the betrayal of her body to be healthy or the betrayal of her husband to not be trustworthy. I am grateful I have so many people in my life, including myself, which afford me the confidence to overcome those which do not give me that so desired trust.

 I close my thoughts today with the hope that everything and everyone, in which you trust, will honor that trust.