Sunday, May 3, 2009

Slow Down


After getting myself a Latte at Starbucks, a piece of lemon pound cake ( yes, in the valley it seems it is still around) and an apple fritter, ( don't get their apple fritters-- too dry)  I headed out on Friday for Pinetop. I contemplated going through Payson instead of the canyon. There has been blasting going on outside of Globe and there can be considerable delays. Decided to stick with the canyon route. Listened to a book most of the way. Saw several police along the way. Not too far out of Showlow, one of them decided I needed to see one up close and personal. This particular one was not by the side of the road, although there  was one stopped on the side of the road giving a ticket to some poor soul. No, the one that stopped me was coming toward me. I was following a car but seems I was going much faster than the car I was following. This was probably true as I had passed a car not too far back and had not slowed down enough. I knew I was in trouble. I felt it in my bones as he passed. I knew it for sure when I saw him turn around and start back in my direction. Yep, there go the lights. Oh my, no school bus this time. Just me and my foot on that gas pedal.  I pulled over and waited. The officer approached on the passenger side of the car. Went through the license, insurance and registration. Went through how fast I was going. He asked me where I was headed. I told him Pinetop. He then asked me if I was just going up for the day. I went to answer and the words stuck in my throat. I choked up and got the words out, " No, my husband or I have to be up there to take care of my grandson. " No tears, but it was obvious my heart was in distress. He told me to hang tight . Said he would be right back. Off he went to his car. I resigned myself to having quite the heavy fine. I was going 77 in a 65 zone. When he came back to my car ( and it seemed like ten minutes, not a couple, he spoke. He handed me the paper you see above. He told me the number of fatalities this year and many of them had been on the road I was traveling. He told me to have a safe journey. I SINCERELY said, "Thank you, officer. Thank you. " And so it was, I arrived in Pinetop later than expected but with a paper of warning and not a fine. I will be watching my speed more carefully as I travel the path between the valley and here. I think it might be a wise thing to watch my speed in other areas of living as well.  I don't always need to  be in a hurry. I don't always have to get one more thing done. So, everyone, instead of seeing what else we can shove into a day, why don't we see if there is something we can remove from a day. This just might make the rest of the day more meaningful. Again, Thank you, officer. You made me think about more than my car travels. 

Thursday, April 30, 2009

What to Write

What to Write?
What to Think?
What to Feel?
What to Explain?
What to Contemplate?
What to Forget?
What to Want?
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, now I know What to Write.

I am proud of myself for recognizing when I need a counseling booster shot. I was filled with anger and felt betrayed by more than one family member. When family dynamics change relationships change. Because of my ability to understand it is a strength and not a weakness to seek guidance , once again I have learned more about dealing with this thing called Life.

Some of you may already understand this concept. It is a different way of giving me the message I certainly have become privy to over the years.   One only controls oneself.

My anger and feelings of betrayal were due to my WANTS---- Wants over which I have no control. When I want something that I can not give myself and  want  something that is in the hands of another I am setting myself up for hurt and anger. 

I have also learned to better look out for myself. I have learned that it is not a bad thing to do. 

I have relearned ( I know myself well, though, and this one will be a difficult one to keep in my brain ) I cannot and do not need to make everything alright with others. It is often an impossible task. I do not need to choose to be a victim of other's choices. I need to be true to myself and at no cost do I sacrifice my being for another. I want to say that last sentence again. It is an important one to repeat for I know in many people's upbringing this is a foreign concept. At NO COST do I sacrifice my being for another. This does not mean I do not love the other person. It means I love myself enough to recognize I am as important as another. I am on my journey. Others are on theirs.

And so it is I return to wants. I want to work on remembering all of the above. I want to rejoice that regardless of my journey, I do not control someone else's journey. Too often I try to take responsibility for someone else. 

With that I will close for the evening as I want to turn on the television and veeeeeggggggg out for a few minutes! I know it will not be long before I want to go to bed and dream of a perfect world, for it is only in my dreams that the world is perfect.

 



Wednesday, April 29, 2009

A Beautiful Day


These beauties will be going to Pinetop to be planted in the flower beds.
Thank You, Janell! They are beautiful as are you.


This beauty will be worn around my neck. Thank you Joyce. It is beautiful like you.

This beauty---uuuummmmm---what? Well, I consider it a beauty as it is the first and only thing I have done with my online class. It is on a paper bag. Have bought many more supplies and am looking forward to spray paint stenciling up in Pinetop. I had the best of times watching three weeks of class videos in marathon mode. I am liking this online class business so far even if I have not done my assignments. The teacher is not in front of me knowing I have not done my homework. Yep, think this is the best way to go to school! 

Maybe I will take back my last statement under the picture above. I met Kim of Sweet Sage Vintage, at Starbucks yesterday. We met at four in the afternoon and we closed Starbucks down! Being with her was like looking at eye candy blogs for me. She gave me a lesson on the computer about using Flickr. Oh My-- some fun things ahead of me!!!! None of the photographs above have been altered. I hope to play with them a little and post the before and after. See the hat on me. Kim's beautiful daughter, Brianna, sent it to me with instructions to stay out of the sun. Can you guess what Brianna does to earn a living? Skin care and laser treatments. It is going to take more than a hat to help my skin these days but it is a start! Thank you, Brie! Thank you Kim for the wonderful time we had together and making my heart beat faster with all the fun ways I will be playing.

I am off to another counseling session. Gordon is hypnotizing me today to help me stay centered. Maybe I will talk about hypnotism in a later post. It really does make a difference. And with that, I will leave you to have a beautiful day.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Before and After Counseling

Before Counseling Today: Anguished and Tormented

After Counseling Today:  Centered and Peaceful

Friday, April 24, 2009

The Case of Which Shoes to Wear


Wednesday morning I went to an appointment for a pedicure and a manicure. I knew I would be speaking at my mother's service. I wanted to be well groomed since I more than once would mention her perfectionism and her habits of cleanliness.


Just as we were walking out the door I put my shoes on my feet. Immediately my left foot started screaming at me. SCREAMED NO, I will not endure wearing these shoes so you can look cute. The cost is too high. Forget it.


I ran back to my closet and quickly grabbed another pair of shoes. Upon putting them on my feet and looking down, my brain now screamed. You just paid a pretty penny to get a pedicure that not one person will  see, if you wear these shoes. What would your mother think?



Instant Answer--- Wear the plastic flip flops. They are black. They match the dress. They are comfortable. Even though I will be mentioning the fact, at the service, that my mother never let me wear a pair of inexpensive shoes when I was growing up, the act of wearing the plastic flip flops will speak to one more Because of My Mother--- 
Because of My Mother I am secure in what I wear and not afraid of what others will think.
I wonder if any other daughter has worn plastic flip flops to her mother's service. I kind of hope not. It would be nice to be unique. But then again, every mother has unique beauty as does every human being.  Besides, as my mother would say over and over again ( I bet you all have heard this one too! ) Beauty is Only Skin Deep. I imagine there will be many other Because of My Mother thoughts I will have in the upcoming days and weeks.

Would love to hear one of your favorites about your mother.
Fill in the blank:    Because of My Mother _________________.





Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Because of My Mother


Because of my mother I know how to swim. She took me to swim lessons at the YMCA. She could not swim and she wanted to make sure I did not go thorough life afraid of water. Well, I am not afraid of swimming pools but the ocean and all those fish scare me. No scuba diving here, thank you very much.

Because of my mother I know how to sew. In the sixth grade I made my first completed apparel item, for me to wear, not my dolls. It was a circle skirt. Now you can just imagine how long it took me to make this skirt ( do you remember how full these were?)  because if a seam was even the slightest bit off,- I am talking 1/32 of an inch here folks, I was made to rip it out. To this day, if asked the one tool one cannot be without, when sewing, I say a seam ripper. It is not used as often by me as when I was under my mother's watchful eyes.

Because of my mother I know how to make pie crusts and bake a cake from scratch. Not that I do it very often but I do know how. My mother was the best cook of anyone I knew growing up.  Because of her I make some pecan rolls that are like no one else's. They are made from my mother's original recipe.

Because of my mother I know how to knit. She taught me at a very early age. I would take my knitting to school, in the fourth grade, so I had something to do, at my seat, ( this was a long time ago when one was not allowed out of one's seat without permission ) when I finished my work early.

Because of my mother my school work, my room, and all other controllable aspects of my life tend to be neat. A place for everything and everything in it's place ---- now, there might be clutter as my mother also taught me you can always buy one more thing to house many more things, if necessary.  BUT, if you do that, just know, by my mother's standards, you are required to dust every single thing, every singe day. I quipped on my blog that I can just imagine God might already be annoyed with her for continuously dusting the clouds!

Because of my mother, I am thrifty. My dad used to say my mother's grave stone should read, " Here lies Madeline Neill,
                             She died making a better deal."  I haven't checked, I don't think he actually carried through with this, did you dad?

Because of my mother, I have an innate sense of design. My mother did not grow up in a wealthy home, quite the opposite. But all of the time I knew my mother she had a sense of design and style. 

Because of my mother I love fine things. When I met my husband, one of his friends told him I would be high maintenance. He was right. My mother insisted we wear Buster Brown shoes. I did not get to purchase a pair of "cheap" shoes until I was an adult out on my own. She, to my knowledge, never owned a single piece of costume jewelry. She wanted the "real" thing and she wanted the best. 

Because of my mother I know how to set a table and I know how to entertain. I know how to create special gift wraps and holiday decorations. My brother and I always had original Easter baskets, again, made from scratch. I credit my imaginative business packaging ideas to my mother. She taught me to color within the box but to make the box different shapes.

Because of my mother many people say I am generous. All through my mother's life I witnessed her giving to others.  And giving, and giving. Most recently, her favorite giving experiences were when her great grandson would visit. After one such visit, Chandler got in the car with his Grandy, and shyly asked," Did you get any money". Unfortunately for Grandy, the answer was no. Mother had given Chandler $60. In the visits for the past few months though, there was no money being given. One of the many indications my mother's body was wearing out.

Because of my mother I was afforded the opportunity to finish college and I did. She paid for my tuition, secretly, after I married, at a very young age. I do suspect though that my father knew this was happening but just kept quiet because he too wanted me to have an education.

Because of my mother I own more Waterford Crystal than any of my friends, and I suspect any of their friends and on and on. My mother loved Waterford Crystal. The beauty is seen throughout my house and when I see it I see my mother's beauty, as well.

Because of my mother I create. My mother always enjoyed crafts and creating. When we lived in Savannah, GA. in the first home my parents ever bought I can distinctly remember two of these creative endeavors. My mother made slip covers for the den ( what it was called in those days ) furniture. I am not talking about loose slip covers that can now be bought at such places as Target. I am talking about professional slip covers. She decided she was doing it and that was that. The one that brings a smile to my face though is the next one. During those years, don't remember which one exactly-I was just a kid, it became fashionable to wear halter tops in the summer. My mother and her next door neighbor friend, Ginny, decided to make their own halter tops. They bought bras and added ruffles and embellishments to them. They wore them too! I think my favorite had red and white polka dot ruffles. Maybe that is why red is one of my favorite colors!

Because of my mother I know what soap taste like. I got my mouth washed out with soap at the age of three or four. It kept me, until I was an adult, from using my mother's favorite cuss word, shit. Once I knew my mouth would not be washed out with soap, I followed in my mother's foot steps. Only difference is, I do not apologize each time I use it!

Because of my mother I am not a procrastinator. I am focused. Do not put off till tomorrow what you can do today was one of her many teachings.

Because of my mother I want things done " right". If a job is worth doing it is worth doing right, was another favorite saying.  There could be some argument over what is "right" but believe you me, I know her definition of right and I have taken on that role. Just ask my husband !

Because of my mother I was shown the capability of often overcoming shyness. My mother was President of the Officer's Wives Club twice. However, her perfectionism nature also  got in the way of her accomplishing some of her goals. She was not able to finish college because of the pressure she placed on herself  to be the BEST student on every single project, tests, etc. Anything less than an A was failure. For this I am also grateful to my mother, as it taught me not to be a perfectionist. 

Because of my mother, I am remembering and celebrating a beautiful woman. I know my mother would want you to honor her by raising a glass of wine, preferably red, and toast to living a beautiful life. I happen to know she would not mind, in the least, if you did this quite often.










 







Monday, April 20, 2009

What Was I Thinking

What was I thinking
this morning on the way home from dropping Chandler off at school?
 I seriously needed a Starbuck's Latte and I seriously wanted a piece of Lemon Pound cake.




What was I thinking
when I was told there will be no more lemon pound cake at Starbucks?
Seems the company thinks there is a quality control issue as the icing sometimes slides off the pound cake. Well, duh, just start leaving off the icing. The quality control issue is bigger with the banana bread slice I bought in place of the pound cake, if you ask me. The Banana Bread was dry.I am not happy about no more lemon pound cake.





What was I thinking
when I discovered an empty trash can next door, at neighbors that are not up here right now? 
Yes! Yes! Yes!, is what I was thinking. Last week I forgot to put the trash out so this week there was two loads full. Chandler and I "borrowed" the can and now all of our trash will be gone later today! Yes!








What was I thinking?  
I signed up for my first ever online class, Stencilry. You can read about it at www.dispatchfromla.typepad.com 
Marissa from m-artologist.blogspot.com is taking the class. I found out about it via reading her blog. Sign ups continue thought the 24th of the month. From what little I looked at last night on the first lesson, it is going to be well worth the $40. cost for the class. You might want to check it out.
What was I thinking?
 Must have been thinking I would rather be playing than going to the valley for my mother's funeral. My mother would rather me be playing. I KNOW this and it is a nice thing that I know this.

What was I thinking
when I found out my dad spent $15,000. on my mother's funeral that she did not want?
I was thinking it is a good thing my mother isn't in that body because you know the old saying " turn over in your grave"? Well, my mother would be worn out from continuously turning over in hers! As I said in an earlier post, I have come to terms with my dad doing what my dad needs to do ,and, I have! Smile.

What was I thinking
when I called my dad and asked him if we could take everyone to my mother's favorite restaurant, after the funeral, for lunch and before I could even get the sentence out he barked very loudly," No, that is not what I want!"?
O.K. dad, what are you thinking everyone will do afterwards since it is at lunch time?  "GO HOME!", comes the next bark. Alright, then, dad! Smile. Am hoping this means I get to go home too! Actually some of my close friends plan to go to Rigatoni's ( my mom's favorite ) and Randy is calling dad to tell him they have invited us to join them and would he like to go ?  We will see what he says.

What was I thinking?
when Ria called last night to tell me my daughter now knew about my mother's death .
I was thinking I hope I do not hear from her. I do not need to deal with more anguish.

What was I thinking?
  After hanging up I was thinking it might have been Amber.  I do not want to deal with more anguish. 

What was I thinking?
when I got to spend over an hour yesterday on the phone with my dear friend Suzanne in TN? Bliss, Bliss, Bliss

What was I thinking when Chandler and I read from our current bedtime book, Where The Red Fern Grows?
 I was thinking it is nice that he still wants to be read to at night.

What was I thinking
when I started writing this post? 
I was thinking I am grateful to have this creative outlet and to know there are others out there that share with me. To receive such a warm, cozy, feeling via such a cold, mechanical device is well, special, just plain special!

What are you thinking today?