Ramblings Of My Mind

Most Folks Are About As Happy As They Make Up Their Minds To Be 

I have been reminded of this saying, by Abraham Lincoln, this month. It is the saying I chose last year, for my September quote for 2010. I also found it on a little note pad, lying ( or is it laying ? - So many of those English words I have not mastered )  around my work room ---

Sometimes it is hard to choose to be happy.

Sometimes life knocks you down so hard you wonder if you will ever be able to choose to get up and brush yourself off and choose to be happy again.

Sometimes, one minute one can choose to be happy and in the next minute, seemingly, out of nowhere, a wave of sadness ascends. It has been amazing to me how powerful and strong a hold each emotion has over my body and my senses.

When I was in CA, at the beach, with my dear friend, Janice --- she brought something up to me about myself --- 

I, of course, know I am a control freak.

I had not recognized, however, through my posts, I seem to exhibit being in control, even through my sadness. I responded to her that I always try to be honest. She told me I am honest, but once again, even in my honesty, control comes through --

I try to be in control-

Especially of Myself

Well, Guess What --

Sometimes

I

Am

Not

In

Control

Sometimes

I

Am

In

Crisis

Regardless 

of 

trying

to 

choose

happiness

and 

being

in

control

BUT

on

my

porch

the 

other

  night--

I was silently having a conversation with God,

while enjoying my martini, looking out across the beautiful pine trees, moon rising in the sky, temperatures so perfect my skin felt like silk , a glow came across my body, and I had an epiphany-

My life was before me in different stages-

Early Childhood

Middle School

High School

College

Marriage

Child Birth

Death of Spouse

Starting Over

Finding My Dear Husband

Years of Sadness with Amber's Drug Use and Acting Out

Years of Amber Seeming To Be In Control

( even though I recognize now, she was always struggling )

Becoming a Grandmother

Extreme sadness at the once again loss of my daughter -

Death of my Daughter

And

Here

I 

Am

Time is beginning to be of the essence in my life.

There are not that many years left on this earth,with which to add many more categories-

I cannot take away the past-

I cannot change the choices made in the past-

I cannot make Amber come back and be a whole person --

Neither, can I deny the pain,--

BUT

I recognized this is a new stage in my life

and

with

each

passing

day

I

am 

more 

often

able

to

recognize

SOMETIMES

I

will

be 

sad

and 

Sometimes

I

will

be

happy

and

Sometimes

I

will

be

able

to

choose

which

to

be

and

other

times

I

will

not

be

able

to

choose

but

ALWAYS

not

just

SOMETIMES

It

will 

be alright

REGARDLESS

of

My

Choices

for 

I

TRULY

BELIEVE

there

is

a

bigger

Sometimes

and 

Always

than

I

am

able

to

comprehend

on

this

earth

and

for

this

belief

I

am

ALWAYS

GRATEFUL!