Sunday, September 19, 2010

Ramblings Of My Mind



Most Folks Are About As Happy As They Make Up Their Minds To Be 

I have been reminded of this saying, by Abraham Lincoln, this month. It is the saying I chose last year, for my September quote for 2010. I also found it on a little note pad, lying ( or is it laying ? - So many of those English words I have not mastered )  around my work room ---

Sometimes it is hard to choose to be happy.
Sometimes life knocks you down so hard you wonder if you will ever be able to choose to get up and brush yourself off and choose to be happy again.
Sometimes, one minute one can choose to be happy and in the next minute, seemingly, out of nowhere, a wave of sadness ascends. It has been amazing to me how powerful and strong a hold each emotion has over my body and my senses.
When I was in CA, at the beach, with my dear friend, Janice --- she brought something up to me about myself --- 
I, of course, know I am a control freak.
I had not recognized, however, through my posts, I seem to exhibit being in control, even through my sadness. I responded to her that I always try to be honest. She told me I am honest, but once again, even in my honesty, control comes through --

I try to be in control-
Especially of Myself
Well, Guess What --

Sometimes
I
Am
Not
In
Control

Sometimes
I
Am
In
Crisis

Regardless 
of 
trying
to 
choose
happiness
and 
being
in
control

BUT
on
my
porch
the 
other
  night--

I was silently having a conversation with God,
while enjoying my martini, looking out across the beautiful pine trees, moon rising in the sky, temperatures so perfect my skin felt like silk , a glow came across my body, and I had an epiphany-

My life was before me in different stages-
Early Childhood
Middle School
High School
College
Marriage
Child Birth
Death of Spouse
Starting Over
Finding My Dear Husband
Years of Sadness with Amber's Drug Use and Acting Out
Years of Amber Seeming To Be In Control
( even though I recognize now, she was always struggling )
Becoming a Grandmother
Extreme sadness at the once again loss of my daughter -
Death of my Daughter

And
Here
Am

Time is beginning to be of the essence in my life.
There are not that many years left on this earth,with which to add many more categories-
I cannot take away the past-
I cannot change the choices made in the past-
I cannot make Amber come back and be a whole person --
Neither, can I deny the pain,--

BUT

I recognized this is a new stage in my life
and
with
each
passing
day
I
am 
more 
often
able
to
recognize
SOMETIMES
I
will
be 
sad
and 
Sometimes
I
will
be
happy
and
Sometimes
I
will
be
able
to
choose
which
to
be
and
other
times
I
will
not
be
able
to
choose
but
ALWAYS
not
just
SOMETIMES
It
will 
be alright
REGARDLESS
of
My
Choices
for 
I
TRULY
BELIEVE
there
is
a
bigger
Sometimes
and 
Always
than
I
am
able
to
comprehend
on
this
earth
and
for
this
belief
I
am
ALWAYS
GRATEFUL!







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