Wednesday, July 28, 2010


Here I Go Again----    
Titles for posts running through my head since Monday night as we left our Las Vegas hideaway and returned to reality --
We Are Far From----
Being put back together again but we make a little progress each day -
  Sometimes two steps forward and three steps back but along the path we are moving forward, at least.

It Is My Hope----

You will understand our path of healing and by taking it with me, you will be able to be of more help to yourself, or someone else faced with a tragedy, whatever the tragedy may be.
At the inquest, we were provided with an advocate. This appears to be a wonderful program Las Vegas has in place. Our advocate's name was Thom. He sat by us, told us what was about to happen or would be happening, asked us questions about our daughter and her life, made sure our needs were attended and was just plain THERE FOR US --
He gave us a booklet about Grief From Homicide
It was very helpful as I read it later. Even though I know the feelings are normal, reading something in black and white, from others having experienced what we have experienced somehow makes it more real.
I will tell you a couple of important facts ---
The word used was FOG ---
You will be in a FOG for three to six months --- There is no timeline on the healing but it will NOT occur quickly.
People might avoid you --- they see if it happened to you it could happen to them and it is frightening.
People will drop the sympathy and talking about the event or loved one much sooner than you are ready to have it dropped. It will be hard to have life proceeding all around you, as if nothing ever really happened.

There Are Those----

 I am so very grateful for -
Thank you for posting comments to me on my blog - Truly, you have no idea how much it means,
Thank you to the countless people who have emailed - Truly, you have no idea how much it means,
Thank you for the beautiful cards and notes of caring - Truly, you have no idea how much it means,
Thank you for the phone calls and messages-Truly, you have no idea how much it means.

We Are All----
Faced with times of pain, in life, on this earth. I am not privy to having this club all to myself -- although, I must admit, there have been times when my thought process was --- TRULY, I MUST BE THE PRESIDENT of the club !! Smile --
And truly, I did just smile ----I wish you could see it through the screen.

It's Been Seven Weeks----
Since Amber died.

The Results Show---- 
She had three to five times the amount of meth in her system than other corpses who have died from overdoses.
 Absorb that for just a minute--
Even though I had a long conversation with the coroner about the toxicology report when it was released, this information had not been relayed, in this manner. The pathologists is the one who testified about his findings.
This was one of the key things we learned by attending the inquest. Here is why it was a key to me --
I had expressed to Randy, some time in the past weeks, it would have been so much easier if Amber had just overdosed.
In an extreme moment of wisdom he told me that she had overdosed. He told me she had used drugs to the point she was unable to make concious, responsible decisions.
 She also had a large amount of alcohol in her system ---

Time and Time Again----
Since attending the inquest, I have been grateful that we made the decision to attend. At first, it seemed like it was an overwhelming thing to do ---- waiting for so many weeks for it to happen ---- having to make the trip to attend --- Even in the week before we were going we would question the need to attend...... I think we both knew we needed to attend but the thought of it was , well, as I said above, overwhelming. Neither of us had ever attended and inquest. We did not know what to expect.


No One Can----

The Best We Can Do----


I Did My Best ----

I Don't Know What Else I Could Have Done---

Let's Be Honest----

Have You Ever Noticed ? ----

This Is Dedicated----

At The End Of The Day----

Monday, July 26, 2010

I'll Be Back

I Will Be Back ---

Been Hiding Out In Las Vegas ---

Forgive My Silence On The Screen ---

As My Heart Has Been Anything But Silent ---

Thursday, July 15, 2010

It Comes Out Of Nowhere

Do You Ever Find -

Here I Am -

What You See Is Not What You Get - Or Is It ?

Is It A Lie ?

My Heart - 
  My Empty Heart
  My Full Heart 

People Tell Me

People Think

What Was Your Dream ?

Have You Always ?

So, For How Much Is One Supposed To Be Grateful ?

I Promise

What Would You ?

Does It Really Matter ?

If It Weren't For -

How Is It ?  

Some Of You Have Told Me 

I Want To Be

Trying To Figure It Out

It Doesn't Do Any Good

If It Was Me

If It Was You

There Are Just Too Many 

Marian Cecelia Neill DuPriest - A Broken Mother

I Would Love To Be

It Has Been Brought To My Attention

Not Everyone Has

What Is It

It Just So Happens

What Would You Give Up ?

All of the above are titles for posts that crossed my mind last night --
I would run from the bedroom and jot down a title on one of my many yellow lined tablets -- As you can tell, there was a lot of running and jotting --- but that is as far as I got --- Titles ---

We went to The Orchard ( a beautiful outdoors setting with live music on Wednesday nights ) last night. I was fine, just fine, and then out of nowhere ---- that tight feeling in my gut that slowly made it's way up to my heart and then to my eyes. My throat stuck --- you know the feeling --- the tightness that makes you know if you don't stop dead in the tracks of what you are saying, the tears are going to spill. My husband knows what is happening --- when I stop mid sentence. I would try to get a hold and thought I had and oops --- there it was again. He asked me if I knew what triggered it --- I thought ---
Yes, it was definitely remembering this email I received four days ago ---

CeCe I just heard about Amber. I am so sorry that her life was ended in such a tragic way. You were always there for her as a mother, mentor and partner. When she spoke of you in front of me, you were her hero. I hope hearing that brings you some peace. I am sure she did not relate that view as of recently, even though I am sure if she had gotten help she would have told you that. Chandler is the bright light in all of this. He is a gift from God. Trust God's path and you will find peace. You are in my prayers. 

It was the hero words ---
You see, I felt this from my daughter --- not always, certainly, but sometimes, and for a mother to ever feel this --
 regardless of the pain, 
regardless of the drugs,
 regardless of the conning, 
regardless of the mental illness ----
 there was a connection --- 
and I loved her and she loved me ---
and it is that connection,
regardless of how brief
 or how betrayed by ugliness,
that I grieve - 

I don't know who made the comment -- 
There was no name which was identifiable
If it was you --- Thank You -- If you make another comment, please let me know your name--

And if it was not you ---
Thank You, too  --- for if you are reading these lines --- you are sharing in my being and my healing path and it means more than you know ---------------------------------------

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Why Do You Think It Is

Why Do You Think It Is ----

That we are so accepting, of the fact, that each one of us looks like no other 


We are so unaccepting, of the fact, that each one of us does not think the same as another 


So many people think the way he/she thinks is the ONLY way to think and so they insist on trying to make others think just like them ---

Friday, July 9, 2010


      I Get By With A Little ( Lotta ) Help From My Friends

The Artist is Lance Hick
The subject is his dad, Jim Hick

Bits and Pieces
Making decisions has been not an easy task these days.
Randy and I have both been amazed at how difficult it is to deal with plans of any sort.
We have finally decided we need to go to the inquest.

We have not heard if Carlos will be charged with murder.

Maria received a bill from WalMart for $130.00
How do people open accounts with no photo ID ??
Maria had taken out a Life Alert account to protect her from this happening so she has called them to deal with this piece of fraud.
She, so far, still does not have the Show Low ticket resolved.

It Bears Repeating

I Get By With A Lotta Help From My Friends

Monday, July 5, 2010

We Are

We are Up and We are Down
We are Right and We are Left
We are Frontwards and We are Backwards
We are Crying and We are Smiling
We are Sitting and We are Standing
We are Walking and We are Still
We are Thinking and We are Comatose
We are Sad and We glimpse Happy
We are Sure and We are Doubt
We are Numb and We are Tingly
We are Raw and We are Scabbing Over
We are Tender and We are Tough
We are Light and We are Heavy
We are Awake and We are Asleep 
We are Confused and We are Clear
We are Angry and We are Grateful
We Are 
We Are
We Are
As We continue to deal with Amber Is Not

Friday, July 2, 2010

Food For My Heart and Food For Their Bodies

Every morning, Randy and I have coffee on the porch -

Every morning, I put out peanuts, some thrown in the yard and some placed on the porch rail ( as seen below )

I am rewarded with the following sights-

- Y-E-S -
this is more than likely
 one of the same squirrels
that chewed to smithereens
that beautiful hammock --

One of our little chipmunks -
If you look hard 
you can see the peanut 
in his mouth

And since some of our critters 
prefer to seek their own sustenance-
We laid out sod 
in the section of our yard
 that holds the wishing well, 
which is seen in many of my photographs.
( We were one strip short 
of having enough -
 thus the blank place you see
 in the first picture below )

There is a bunny hopping around every now and again 
( my favorite creature that shares this space with us )
to date, my bunny has eluded being around
 when I have my camera. 
The bunny seems to be much more shy 
than the rest of the creatures.

Wishing you some
 Great All American Food 
this Fourth of July Weekend

Your food of Thoughts and Prayers
continue to help fill the emptiness in our hearts -

Thank You
 for taking the time to feed us
 with your kindness.

And just a little sideline note-
talked to the Coroner yesterday-
There was NO CANCER found in 
Amber's body.
I was asked not to discuss ,
in a public forum,
 the toxicology results until after
 the inquiry, on July 23rd.