Wednesday, July 28, 2010


Here I Go Again----    
Titles for posts running through my head since Monday night as we left our Las Vegas hideaway and returned to reality --
We Are Far From----
Being put back together again but we make a little progress each day -
  Sometimes two steps forward and three steps back but along the path we are moving forward, at least.

It Is My Hope----

You will understand our path of healing and by taking it with me, you will be able to be of more help to yourself, or someone else faced with a tragedy, whatever the tragedy may be.
At the inquest, we were provided with an advocate. This appears to be a wonderful program Las Vegas has in place. Our advocate's name was Thom. He sat by us, told us what was about to happen or would be happening, asked us questions about our daughter and her life, made sure our needs were attended and was just plain THERE FOR US --
He gave us a booklet about Grief From Homicide
It was very helpful as I read it later. Even though I know the feelings are normal, reading something in black and white, from others having experienced what we have experienced somehow makes it more real.
I will tell you a couple of important facts ---
The word used was FOG ---
You will be in a FOG for three to six months --- There is no timeline on the healing but it will NOT occur quickly.
People might avoid you --- they see if it happened to you it could happen to them and it is frightening.
People will drop the sympathy and talking about the event or loved one much sooner than you are ready to have it dropped. It will be hard to have life proceeding all around you, as if nothing ever really happened.

There Are Those----

 I am so very grateful for -
Thank you for posting comments to me on my blog - Truly, you have no idea how much it means,
Thank you to the countless people who have emailed - Truly, you have no idea how much it means,
Thank you for the beautiful cards and notes of caring - Truly, you have no idea how much it means,
Thank you for the phone calls and messages-Truly, you have no idea how much it means.

We Are All----
Faced with times of pain, in life, on this earth. I am not privy to having this club all to myself -- although, I must admit, there have been times when my thought process was --- TRULY, I MUST BE THE PRESIDENT of the club !! Smile --
And truly, I did just smile ----I wish you could see it through the screen.

It's Been Seven Weeks----
Since Amber died.

The Results Show---- 
She had three to five times the amount of meth in her system than other corpses who have died from overdoses.
 Absorb that for just a minute--
Even though I had a long conversation with the coroner about the toxicology report when it was released, this information had not been relayed, in this manner. The pathologists is the one who testified about his findings.
This was one of the key things we learned by attending the inquest. Here is why it was a key to me --
I had expressed to Randy, some time in the past weeks, it would have been so much easier if Amber had just overdosed.
In an extreme moment of wisdom he told me that she had overdosed. He told me she had used drugs to the point she was unable to make concious, responsible decisions.
 She also had a large amount of alcohol in her system ---

Time and Time Again----
Since attending the inquest, I have been grateful that we made the decision to attend. At first, it seemed like it was an overwhelming thing to do ---- waiting for so many weeks for it to happen ---- having to make the trip to attend --- Even in the week before we were going we would question the need to attend...... I think we both knew we needed to attend but the thought of it was , well, as I said above, overwhelming. Neither of us had ever attended and inquest. We did not know what to expect.


No One Can----

The Best We Can Do----


I Did My Best ----

I Don't Know What Else I Could Have Done---

Let's Be Honest----

Have You Ever Noticed ? ----

This Is Dedicated----

At The End Of The Day----


Paris Cowgirl said...

Missing you and thinking of you my friend

M said...

I'm thinking of you. Be well. We send lots of hugs.

Pam said...

I happened on your blog via Mystic Paper's blog. I dug back in your blog and am so sorry to learn of your daughter's death. There is no other death that can compare to the loss of a child. I know from experience. Our son died as the result of a swimming accident in May of 2007. I would love to share a book with you that I found very helpful it's called "When the Bough Breaks forever after the death of a son or daughter". I would be pleased to mail you my copy if you would like. Just email me.
From my experience I have found that my life was turned up-side-down and will never be right-side-up again but it doesn't rock so much after three years. The simpliest thing can start the rocking and sometimes I have no idea what started it.