The Continuation

No One Can----


Understand the pain of losing a child but that of another mother who has lost one. I just checked my email and had a comment from another mother, Pam, who lost her child to a swimming accident three years ago. Thank you for taking the time to post. I would have emailed you but I did not have your email address. I so appreciate your sharing with me --- I plan to purchase the book when we go back down to the valley. There is No Doubt about me understanding your comment --- It has been eight weeks since I have known and I think I am doing fine and out of nowhere ----- out of nowhere ----- it comes ----


The Best We Can Do----


Is understand our feelings and accept them --
And share with others --

Sometimes----
I am doing alright - or so I think - 
I was going to continue soon when I left off a week ago -
But here I am -
A week later and I still would not be writing if it were not for the message from Pam ---
So many people to appreciate for caring enough to share --


I Did My Best ----


The policeman who was on the megaphone-
the one Amber kept calling Paul -
I think his words actually were -
I gave it my all -

I Don't Know What Else I Could Have Done---
When he said this, after saying I gave it my all --
Well, it was what I needed to hear --
for so many times it was our words, Randy's and Mine , about our dealings with Amber --
only ours spanned decades, not 45 minutes --
regardless, decades. years, months, hours, minutes --
giving your all is all that can be asked --


Let's Be Honest----


I was so glad we went to the inquest ---
BUT my  husband warned me ---
even in going -- there would be things that would occur to us later that we wished we had asked -- things with which we would have to live --
He was right --
The last officer to testify was the one swat team member who was employed at the time of the shooting. He was not on the scene when Amber got out of the car -- 
There were 42 rounds fired. This last officer, the swat team member, fired one time. He also testified about a less lethal weapon. 
This is the item that I wish we had heard about earlier ---
I want to know why all of the officers did not have this less lethal weapon in their possession --- for if they had, the weapon could have been used when Amber was outside of the car and approaching the officers --- the outcome would have been much different than the outcome of death --


Have You Ever Noticed ? ----


People say that questions are wanted but then when they are asked --
The only thing in the proceedings that upset me greatly was this--
The jury asked questions -- Randy and I both felt very good about this --
There were a couple of jurors who asked lots of questions. One of the questions asked was why couldn't they have used some kind of weapon, such as a rope with balls attached to the end of the rope, to throw around Amber's ankles, to bring her down, when she was out of the car.
Another question was why the cars were positioned so the vehicle Amber was driving could get through the opening -- 
After he asked this question, the Assistant Attorney General stood up, courtroom style, and said to the judge something to the affect, these questions were about police procedure, not if they had the right to shoot their weapons. 
AAhhhh --- well, well, thank you Mr. Assistant D.A. for putting down a juror asking a question in regards to procedure. Maybe procedure should be in question, in order to prevent another inquest at a later time.


This Is Dedicated----


To everyone who treated us with the utmost respect --
To everyone who went out of their way to do everything possible to answer our questions --
To the reporters who did not pressure us but took our statement and let us be --
To each of you for willing to listen --


At The End Of The Day----


After being taken to the scene of the incident --
There is no way I can properly describe the scene to you --
Where was my camera--- at the hotel ---not with me -- 
Someone from the Coroner's office escorted us to the scene -- I can't say enough about how well we were treated by the Coroner's office and staff..


The scene was like a box canyon --
Rock walls , HIGH, were on both sides ---
The slope went upwards -- I did not walk up and look over the edge -- too steep in the shoes I was wearing and frankly, just did not think to do so -
Had we have done so though, I am sure there was a huge drop off --
There is no way the car could have been driven there though --
Why did she turn there ?
Why did the guard wave her through ? --The lanes were right beside each other -- We were shocked when we saw how close the lanes were to the guard gate -- How could he have mistaken anything she flashed for a pass?
How could the back door have been open on the house they went to?
How could there have been a party going on across the street letting out -- with a car in which there was key less start ? --- Which by the way, had the keys left in the car --- 
The coincidences go on -- and the answers are not there, won't be there, and ultimately don't matter 
FOR
 the reason all of these coincidences happened is because she started using drugs again in the first place -- As a comment on one of the newspaper articles written said -- she was a walking zombie -- poor thing -- the lesson here is not to use METH -- this comment came from x-doc --
You couldn't have said it better, Doc.


After so much time --
Here I am--
Seeming to write much of the same thing--

I have had some pretty rough times --
I wish I had written more sooner --
I wish I had shared more before now but I have just been so
SPORADIC-
 in all of my
Thoughts
Feelings
Actions
Goals
AND MY BEING 


   BUT
I know it is so important to tell others your thoughts and feelings...
It is so important when you go to bed at night to ...
Forgive yourself for the day's mistakes and to Celebrate the day's victories ...
And
to go to sleep ---
Wishing you happy dreams .... Especially tonight, YOU, PAM -