Thursday, July 15, 2010

It Comes Out Of Nowhere

Do You Ever Find -

Here I Am -

What You See Is Not What You Get - Or Is It ?

Is It A Lie ?

My Heart - 
  My Empty Heart
  My Full Heart 

People Tell Me

People Think

What Was Your Dream ?

Have You Always ?

So, For How Much Is One Supposed To Be Grateful ?

I Promise

What Would You ?

Does It Really Matter ?

If It Weren't For -

How Is It ?  

Some Of You Have Told Me 

I Want To Be

Trying To Figure It Out

It Doesn't Do Any Good

If It Was Me

If It Was You

There Are Just Too Many 

Marian Cecelia Neill DuPriest - A Broken Mother

I Would Love To Be

It Has Been Brought To My Attention

Not Everyone Has

What Is It

It Just So Happens

What Would You Give Up ?

All of the above are titles for posts that crossed my mind last night --
I would run from the bedroom and jot down a title on one of my many yellow lined tablets -- As you can tell, there was a lot of running and jotting --- but that is as far as I got --- Titles ---

We went to The Orchard ( a beautiful outdoors setting with live music on Wednesday nights ) last night. I was fine, just fine, and then out of nowhere ---- that tight feeling in my gut that slowly made it's way up to my heart and then to my eyes. My throat stuck --- you know the feeling --- the tightness that makes you know if you don't stop dead in the tracks of what you are saying, the tears are going to spill. My husband knows what is happening --- when I stop mid sentence. I would try to get a hold and thought I had and oops --- there it was again. He asked me if I knew what triggered it --- I thought ---
Yes, it was definitely remembering this email I received four days ago ---

CeCe I just heard about Amber. I am so sorry that her life was ended in such a tragic way. You were always there for her as a mother, mentor and partner. When she spoke of you in front of me, you were her hero. I hope hearing that brings you some peace. I am sure she did not relate that view as of recently, even though I am sure if she had gotten help she would have told you that. Chandler is the bright light in all of this. He is a gift from God. Trust God's path and you will find peace. You are in my prayers. 

It was the hero words ---
You see, I felt this from my daughter --- not always, certainly, but sometimes, and for a mother to ever feel this --
 regardless of the pain, 
regardless of the drugs,
 regardless of the conning, 
regardless of the mental illness ----
 there was a connection --- 
and I loved her and she loved me ---
and it is that connection,
regardless of how brief
 or how betrayed by ugliness,
that I grieve - 

I don't know who made the comment -- 
There was no name which was identifiable
If it was you --- Thank You -- If you make another comment, please let me know your name--

And if it was not you ---
Thank You, too  --- for if you are reading these lines --- you are sharing in my being and my healing path and it means more than you know ---------------------------------------


Paris Cowgirl said...

It wasn't me...but I wish it was. I am so glad that we happened upon each other the other day. I have just had a changing moment with my oldest daughter, and cannot imagine her not in my life. We were always so close, but things have changed.

CeCe said...

The gladness is in both our hearts and minds. Smiling is good and from what I have heard it is much better on the lines in the face than frowning . Seeing you, at Mystic, brought some smiles and gladness. Kim, thinking your older daughter is, for various reasones, jealous right now --- her view of her life and trials with her sweet little one, you buying a second home in CA --- not where SHE is living in CO --- new grandchild from Katie ( spelling ? ) regardless of the reasons, each relationship we are in, will not always run smoothly . I am wishing more laughter for your older daughter and I am certainly wishing that for me and you --- we are at an age those frown lines need to have smile lines in their place. You are a dear and I cherish your support of me --- Love --- CeCe