Thursday, October 21, 2010

The First Day








The date is October, what? I don’t even know... maybe the 21st....
I am up in the air flying to TN. A year ago, on my trip, I sat by a lady who had lost her son.. Like me, she was retired and her son was not a young boy, but an adult....
This year, it is I, who has lost a child to death...
Last year I had lost my child to drugs, This year I have lost her to heaven...
I am grateful for this flight...
I am sitting by a lady and a son.... they are on their way to check out Vanderbilt University .... new beginnings... not endings.... they seem close and they have been engaged with each other and with me throughout the flight.....
It is refreshing.... instead of being sad about what I don’t have I have been happy for what they DO have....
I am in a better place than a year ago...
While there is much for which to be sad, there is much for which to be grateful....
I am grateful to have had a vision of my life passing through my mind in different stages....
With it came the clear realization, if only for a moment, that this stage of life, too, will be gone in an instant AND I have a choice....... I can choose to wallow the rest of my life in the pity of my sorrow or I can understand the pain, be grateful for the present, and slowly move forward, even if it is at the pace of the turtle, I am moving...... moving towards the light of the shadow, not the darkness.... moving towards the melody of the song, not the heavy beat... moving towards the lightness of the air and not the heavy fog.... moving towards freedom of the “what ifs” and the reality of the “what is”...... moving towards understanding while my life will never be the same again.... my life is.... I am here and I am my life...... every moment I am creating and shaping my life.......... The shape is up to me......... I hope it will be a full shape encompassing much, but at the same time a skinny one., narrow enough to fully appreciate each experience..... Huuuuummmmmmm, now there is a goal to reach towards ...........

1 comment:

M said...

:-) and ((((Hugs)))). It is good to hear that you are reaching this place. It's a hard one to get to.
We send lots of love!
Marissa