Ramblings Of My Mind

Most Folks Are About As Happy As They Make Up Their Minds To Be 

I have been reminded of this saying, by Abraham Lincoln, this month. It is the saying I chose last year, for my September quote for 2010. I also found it on a little note pad, lying ( or is it laying ? - So many of those English words I have not mastered )  around my work room ---

Sometimes it is hard to choose to be happy.

Sometimes life knocks you down so hard you wonder if you will ever be able to choose to get up and brush yourself off and choose to be happy again.

Sometimes, one minute one can choose to be happy and in the next minute, seemingly, out of nowhere, a wave of sadness ascends. It has been amazing to me how powerful and strong a hold each emotion has over my body and my senses.

When I was in CA, at the beach, with my dear friend, Janice --- she brought something up to me about myself --- 

I, of course, know I am a control freak.

I had not recognized, however, through my posts, I seem to exhibit being in control, even through my sadness. I responded to her that I always try to be honest. She told me I am honest, but once again, even in my honesty, control comes through --

I try to be in control-

Especially of Myself

Well, Guess What --

Sometimes

I

Am

Not

In

Control

Sometimes

I

Am

In

Crisis

Regardless 

of 

trying

to 

choose

happiness

and 

being

in

control

BUT

on

my

porch

the 

other

  night--

I was silently having a conversation with God,

while enjoying my martini, looking out across the beautiful pine trees, moon rising in the sky, temperatures so perfect my skin felt like silk , a glow came across my body, and I had an epiphany-

My life was before me in different stages-

Early Childhood

Middle School

High School

College

Marriage

Child Birth

Death of Spouse

Starting Over

Finding My Dear Husband

Years of Sadness with Amber's Drug Use and Acting Out

Years of Amber Seeming To Be In Control

( even though I recognize now, she was always struggling )

Becoming a Grandmother

Extreme sadness at the once again loss of my daughter -

Death of my Daughter

And

Here

I 

Am

Time is beginning to be of the essence in my life.

There are not that many years left on this earth,with which to add many more categories-

I cannot take away the past-

I cannot change the choices made in the past-

I cannot make Amber come back and be a whole person --

Neither, can I deny the pain,--

BUT

I recognized this is a new stage in my life

and

with

each

passing

day

I

am 

more 

often

able

to

recognize

SOMETIMES

I

will

be 

sad

and 

Sometimes

I

will

be

happy

and

Sometimes

I

will

be

able

to

choose

which

to

be

and

other

times

I

will

not

be

able

to

choose

but

ALWAYS

not

just

SOMETIMES

It

will 

be alright

REGARDLESS

of

My

Choices

for 

I

TRULY

BELIEVE

there

is

a

bigger

Sometimes

and 

Always

than

I

am

able

to

comprehend

on

this

earth

and

for

this

belief

I

am

ALWAYS

GRATEFUL!

Almost Wordless White Wednesday

Farmhouse Sink From Ikea

I am posting this today for Alice W. She and her husband, Joshua, have just purchased their first home. She is such a talent. Her current post on her blog shares before pictures ( they are moving in this Saturday ) of their new house they will be turning into a home. You can visit her here http://alicew.typepad.com/thoughts_from_alice_w/ She mentions in this post she wants a farmhouse sink but she also mentions that thing we all know about - BuDgEt-

I found the very best deal on my farmhouse sink, when we were doing exactly what Alice and hubby are in the midst of doing, at Ikea. I have been very happy with it. The only draw back was there was not a hole for a water dispenser --- but for the price --- I am happily living with it !     :)

May your BuDgEt not keep you from doing anything you so desire today!

Wordless White Wednesday

I Didn't Mean To

I Didn't Mean To

Posting As Much

BUT

It seems, as the card says,

It is taking awhile---

BUT

Something Happy Just Happened

That Needs To Be Shared

My husband just came home from traveling to a golf course which is not close by.....

He stopped, along the way home, to cut me flowers, which he says are growing profusely along the road.....

I Just Had To

What I Was Doing----

To Share The Sweet Gesture !

Wordless White Wednesday

I Am Doing Alright

I apologize for being gone -
Am on the move right now -
Here - There - Here again -- Another There --
I am doing alright --
I am doing alright --
I am doing alright --
I am convincing myself --
I am doing alright ---- and it is Sorta Working ! Smile--
Hope YOU are doing alright too!

The Continuation

No One Can----


Understand the pain of losing a child but that of another mother who has lost one. I just checked my email and had a comment from another mother, Pam, who lost her child to a swimming accident three years ago. Thank you for taking the time to post. I would have emailed you but I did not have your email address. I so appreciate your sharing with me --- I plan to purchase the book when we go back down to the valley. There is No Doubt about me understanding your comment --- It has been eight weeks since I have known and I think I am doing fine and out of nowhere ----- out of nowhere ----- it comes ----


The Best We Can Do----


Is understand our feelings and accept them --
And share with others --

Sometimes----
I am doing alright - or so I think - 
I was going to continue soon when I left off a week ago -
But here I am -
A week later and I still would not be writing if it were not for the message from Pam ---
So many people to appreciate for caring enough to share --


I Did My Best ----


The policeman who was on the megaphone-
the one Amber kept calling Paul -
I think his words actually were -
I gave it my all -

I Don't Know What Else I Could Have Done---
When he said this, after saying I gave it my all --
Well, it was what I needed to hear --
for so many times it was our words, Randy's and Mine , about our dealings with Amber --
only ours spanned decades, not 45 minutes --
regardless, decades. years, months, hours, minutes --
giving your all is all that can be asked --


Let's Be Honest----


I was so glad we went to the inquest ---
BUT my  husband warned me ---
even in going -- there would be things that would occur to us later that we wished we had asked -- things with which we would have to live --
He was right --
The last officer to testify was the one swat team member who was employed at the time of the shooting. He was not on the scene when Amber got out of the car -- 
There were 42 rounds fired. This last officer, the swat team member, fired one time. He also testified about a less lethal weapon. 
This is the item that I wish we had heard about earlier ---
I want to know why all of the officers did not have this less lethal weapon in their possession --- for if they had, the weapon could have been used when Amber was outside of the car and approaching the officers --- the outcome would have been much different than the outcome of death --


Have You Ever Noticed ? ----


People say that questions are wanted but then when they are asked --
The only thing in the proceedings that upset me greatly was this--
The jury asked questions -- Randy and I both felt very good about this --
There were a couple of jurors who asked lots of questions. One of the questions asked was why couldn't they have used some kind of weapon, such as a rope with balls attached to the end of the rope, to throw around Amber's ankles, to bring her down, when she was out of the car.
Another question was why the cars were positioned so the vehicle Amber was driving could get through the opening -- 
After he asked this question, the Assistant Attorney General stood up, courtroom style, and said to the judge something to the affect, these questions were about police procedure, not if they had the right to shoot their weapons. 
AAhhhh --- well, well, thank you Mr. Assistant D.A. for putting down a juror asking a question in regards to procedure. Maybe procedure should be in question, in order to prevent another inquest at a later time.


This Is Dedicated----


To everyone who treated us with the utmost respect --
To everyone who went out of their way to do everything possible to answer our questions --
To the reporters who did not pressure us but took our statement and let us be --
To each of you for willing to listen --


At The End Of The Day----


After being taken to the scene of the incident --
There is no way I can properly describe the scene to you --
Where was my camera--- at the hotel ---not with me -- 
Someone from the Coroner's office escorted us to the scene -- I can't say enough about how well we were treated by the Coroner's office and staff..


The scene was like a box canyon --
Rock walls , HIGH, were on both sides ---
The slope went upwards -- I did not walk up and look over the edge -- too steep in the shoes I was wearing and frankly, just did not think to do so -
Had we have done so though, I am sure there was a huge drop off --
There is no way the car could have been driven there though --
Why did she turn there ?
Why did the guard wave her through ? --The lanes were right beside each other -- We were shocked when we saw how close the lanes were to the guard gate -- How could he have mistaken anything she flashed for a pass?
How could the back door have been open on the house they went to?
How could there have been a party going on across the street letting out -- with a car in which there was key less start ? --- Which by the way, had the keys left in the car --- 
The coincidences go on -- and the answers are not there, won't be there, and ultimately don't matter 
FOR
 the reason all of these coincidences happened is because she started using drugs again in the first place -- As a comment on one of the newspaper articles written said -- she was a walking zombie -- poor thing -- the lesson here is not to use METH -- this comment came from x-doc --
You couldn't have said it better, Doc.


After so much time --
Here I am--
Seeming to write much of the same thing--

I have had some pretty rough times --
I wish I had written more sooner --
I wish I had shared more before now but I have just been so
SPORADIC-
 in all of my
Thoughts
Feelings
Actions
Goals
AND MY BEING 


   BUT
I know it is so important to tell others your thoughts and feelings...
It is so important when you go to bed at night to ...
Forgive yourself for the day's mistakes and to Celebrate the day's victories ...
And
to go to sleep ---
Wishing you happy dreams .... Especially tonight, YOU, PAM -