Thursday, June 17, 2010

Blessed, Truly, I am Blessed

As the days wear on, I have been blessed by hearing from many people and blessed by not hearing from others because they have been giving me space. Some I have known a very long time. Others a shorter amount of time and others I have not known at all. I am slowly getting more information and slowly working through the days and nights. Each day has brought a tiny bit more insight from comments, emails, or conversations.  My heart compels me to remind each and every one of you, that happens to read my bog, that all thoughts and prayers are a blessing to me and my family. Thank you.

I know some of you have had the same questions that I posted in my last entry. In time, I will try to share the insights to the answers. For tonight, though, I wanted to post two letters I received, from very special people in my daughter's life. 

The first is from a dear friend of Amber's, when Amber was getting her degree in Interior Design, from Northern Arizona University. Could I just brag one more time, and say, she graduated with honors ?! Sorry, is the mother in me. I am sure I have mentioned this in the past. It was a happy time in our lives. As you will read from Genevieve's letter, it was a happy time for others who knew my daughter, as well.

 The second letter is from a man ( I almost wanted to say young man , smile ) who we have known from Amber's Junior High School days. His family was always very supportive of our efforts with Amber and Michael did all he could do to help us help her. I received these letters, from both these special people, within a day of each other.

I wanted to share, with the world, a different view of my daughter from --- well, you know ---- although, as you will see, from reading Michael's letter, there seemed to always be torture behind the scenes, regardless of what the surface was exhibiting. 

Once again, to all, thank you for the blessing of your caring spirits.

Dear Cece,

I hope you remember me! Amber and I were class mates and good friends. I am shocked and so very sad to hear of her death. I have not stopped crying since I spoke to Maria. I am so sorry for your loss!

Amber and I were inseparable from the moment we met in class. We were instantly great friends and I was quickly invited into the "Family" with Maria and then four year old Chandler. It was a great comfort to have this surrogate family, as my own was so far away in NY. 

I don't think one day went by without Amber and I talking. We would be up into the early morning hours rushing to get our projects completed for school. I remember so many nights sitting at their dining room table with fabrics and scissors spawn about, deadlines looming and Amber and I laughing so loudly Maria would have to yell at us to keep it down so we would not wake Chandler. 

Amber and I had a falling out shortly before the wedding, unfortunately we could not recover.  I mourned the loss of our friendship for many years.

I am now mourning the loss of my friend.

I don’t have years of pain and betrayal that her addiction/ illness brought upon your family. I don’t have the anger and frustration you all must have felt as her life began to unravel before your eyes; unable to prevent it. I don’t have the months and years of sleepless nights full of worry and fear about where she was or what she was doing.

I woke this morning to hear that my very good friend with whom I had lost touch was gone.

My friend, a fun loving mother who would jump into the room full of balls at MacDonald’s to get her son to laugh! My friend, who supported and counseled me through my own times of trouble and loss, telling me that having Chandler was the most special and precious gift that she had ever received. My friend who encouraged me to keep with school, and always told me how talented she thought I was.

The Amber that I mourn was a beautiful and kind person with whom I will always remember fondly…

I will miss her terribly……

All my love, Genevieve.

CeCe, I wish, I wish, I wish... I wish I could could hug you and make you feel better. I wish I could have done something to fill the hole in Amber's heart. I wish I could have said something, done something... I loved Amber. In spite of all the problems, I saw through into the beauty. Inside Amber was the most beautiful person. I saw it. I experienced it. And I'm so so so sad, that my hope of experiencing it again is gone. My only hope left is that her spirit is free of the problems she had in this life; that she is finally free of the torment that led her to...

I can hear her voice as plain as day. I can hear her say my name. She said it like no other. Even when I hadn't talked to her in 10 years, I knew just what she sounded like. I can hear her glad, and sad, and mad. I can hear her in my heart. She was beautiful like no other and the place she holds in my heart will never be replaced.

CeCe. Why did the powers that be do this to her, to you, to me. It hurts so bad. I wish I could have made her happy; as a friend, as boyfriend, as anything. I wish everything that everybody did could have made a difference.

I wish that I could hug you and make you feel better.

Amber was my friend. The Amber inside that struggled to get out. I loved her. I've missed her for a long time. And I'm crying that I'm never going to see her again except in my memories.

I wish I could find the words or the actions to make this all better. I wish... 

Yes, Michael, all that knew her wishes-----

And I wish I could have emailed you directly but I did not have your email address and I could not respond personally to you through blogger ---

My email address is  ---

1 comment:

Dede Warren said...

What wonderful words to hear Cece about your precious daughter! Especially after the years of turmoil you both went through, I hope it brings you comfort to know that her friends saw the real Amber, troubles and all and yet, they all still loved her and found her a wonderful, worthwhile friend. May there be some peace in knowing that your dear daughter's struggle is over.