I’m on the airplane flying to Denver. From Denver I will go home to Phoenix. I would love to say I am rested and renewed. I know all to well, however, this is not the case. Not because my friends were not supportive. They were more than that actually. Suzanne always is and as I learned from this time with Scottye, she too is a friend to appreciate. The truth is I am better than when I arrived but as I said good bye to Suzanne, at the airport, an overwhelming sense of sorrow washed over my body. Tears welled in my eyes and try as I may to squelch them, as I type this, they are still about to brim over and embarrass me. I have all kinds of precious pictures of the three of us on our beach excursion. We each created books to hold these pictures depicting our joyous times. Joyous most of the time was. Laughter was more often than not in the air. I did not realize I was still in such a fragile state. Over two weeks ago I did not want to go to TN but I did not want to stay in AZ either. I just simply wanted to curl up, all by myself, and be... just be... all alone... no one to answer to, no one to converse with, no one to explain myself to, no one with which to have to share my thoughts. I do not feel this way often. I am not worried about myself so you should not worry about me either. I am just accepting my emotions and writing them down to confirm they exist and also knowing they will be gone again. You see, this is one thing of which I am sure. It is comforting to know this. It is peaceful albeit painful to understand this is MY journey and I am most certainly the only person I am capable of changing--- not my husband, not my daughter, not my friends, not my enemies ( those would be the women at the beach that flipped me off or gave me dirty looks because they did not like my driving ) -- no one but myself. Oh how much easier it would be if I could just change others. Smile. How much easier it would be if I could just make everyone else be who I want them to be. But, as a human, if I had this capability, wouldn’t others also be able to change me? I wonder how each person in my life would choose to change me. I wonder if they would change me in the way I would want to change them. You see, we all want something to be different. Life would be so much easier if we did not have expectations. It is a struggle not to have expectations--of others or ourselves. Luckily, I am far enough down this life path to have learned flipping someone off changes nothing ---- however----sometimes----yes, sometimes, it sure feels good! So, here is to the woman that flipped me off, here’s to my tears and here’s to the laughter that is yet to come.
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