Saturday, May 30, 2009

I Have A Very Smart Husband

Tonight at supper my husband and I were contemplating our current living conditions, physically and emotionally. . He told me I was NOT alright. He then told me he had not expressed himself correctly. He told me what he should have said was neither one of us could be alright with what is going on in our lives right now. He is smart. We are both struggling. There is much more drama. I continue to wrestle with what to write about and what is better left unsaid. I continue to struggle with how to express my feelings even if I decide to write about what no one else would choose to tell the world. I continue to tell myself to just spill my guts. Why be concerned with what is being a "good" person or a "bad" person? I so want to have what I say help someone. I so want what I have to say be credible. I so want what I have to say to touch someone. I so want what I am feeling and going through to have a meaning other than the pain I feel. I so want----
Maybe soon I will have the time to devote to what I want that is not out of my control.
Maybe soon I will spill my guts again.
Maybe soon I will not want but just be---
Maybe soon----  


Chia said...

CeCe, follow your own heart. It is your life, your pain, your story and your blog. What others think you should do is just part of their life, not yours. Don't give them the power to control this part of your life by making you worry about how you will look to them. Say what you want to say and don't say what you don't want to say.

As for touching people, I don't think you have to worry about that. I'm positive that you are touching people because you have touched me very deeply.

I am also sure that if your words have not helped someone yet, they will in time. I once posted about something going on in my family as a way of lifting my own emotional load. I threw it out there to the cyber world simply because I felt that I needed to, to help me let go of some of the negative weight. I did have moments when I wondered if I had done the right thing and if I should have been the good little girl who didn't spill family secrets. Then I got a heart tugging email from someone that my words helped. There is no turning back for me now, when my heart says to say something I will not question it. Hearts are pretty smart :)

CeCe said...

Dear Chia,
We have not even met and I adore you. Twice now you have posted something that has profoundly affected me. My heart is screaming Thank You!

Paris Cowgirl said...

Cece, I think your story is doing exactly what you want it to do. It is touching, compelling, and heart lifting. Chia is right, "hearts are pretty smart". Hugs for you.

Sandy said...

Somebody said to me once, "What other people are thinking is none of my business." I am still looking for other peoples approval, like most of us. Now I try to think that (they) would understand and give me the benefit of the doubt like I try to. Does this make any sense, better to reach out than not try at all! Love ya! Sandy