Stayed up late last night as you can see from last night's post. When I went to bed I thought I was fine but the minute my head hit the pillow the tears started flowing. Got myself up, went potty and used my potty time as a boo hooing time. Wiped my eyes and off to bed to try again. Was more successful this time. I don't know what it is. The first few minutes of lying in the bed at night seem to be my hardest. I love to sleep. Anyone that knows me , shoot, anyone that has had an hour conversation with me probably knows naps are one of my favorite things. Smile. When I lay down in the day time I am alright. I feel like a kid again----scared of the dark. The dark somehow represents the evil, the unknown, the scary. From my earliest memories of counseling when I was married to Bill I was exposed to the idea of confronting the worst thing that could happen. In those days I was not doing this--the message was for Bill. Or so I thought. In those days I had never even heard the words codependent uttered. The first signs of Bill's illness started even before we were married. I went on a date with him. We started out going to a K-Mart. He had an eight track tape player in the car and he wanted to buy a new tape for it. After purchasing the tape and we were back in the car he put it in the player. It played for a song or two while we were in the parking lot. He decided he did not like it. He wanted me to take it back in the store to return it. I refused. He got mad. He insisted I do it. I stood my ground. Told him he had bought it , he needed to return it. He took me home right then and there. End of date. It was a Saturday night. The next morning I was sure he would apologize to me when I saw him in Sunday School. Nope. wrong because he didn't show up at Sunday School class. After church what did I do? I called him. Yep, I called him. Why would I do that? Why would I stick to my guns about something so fervently and then abuse myself. I think I ended up ( not sure begging is the right word here but I think it is ) begging him to just let everything be alright. Boy, it was hard to write that last sentence. Begging someone who had wanted me to fix his mistake for being mad at me for not fixing it. Begging to someone else didn't work then and it won't work now. I am begging myself to remember this lesson. There are so many times lately I just want to call Amber and beg her to let everything be alright. The difference now is as soon as the thought comes, the truth quickly follows. Again, begging someone else to make my life be alright won't work. It will not make her be who I want her to be. Let me write that sentence again. It will not make her be who I want her to be. It will also not make the cancer go away. I am begging myself to remember this. I can call her and ask to go with her to the Doctor. I can call and let her know we are willing to take care of Chandler. I can call and tell her I am willing to give her what little emotional support I have to give but I am not willing to abuse myself.
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