How I Am---
To be perfectly honest, I don't know. Here are the reasons why, in a rambling sort of way.
Yesterday, I started reading my newest Artful Blogging publication. I love reading these publications. I do! Once again though, in the introduction, I got my feathers in a flutter over some of the language describing artful blogging. Why, I ask myself? I am not trying to be an artful blogger. I am trying to be a real blogger. So, why do I care what someone else defines an Artful Blogger as?
When I went to bed last night, I cried. I am crying at the most unexpected times. Not that when I go to bed is an unusual time to cry, just other times when it comes out of the blue. I can just be looking at something or someone and BINGO-- I score the tear winner.
Most of my friends have very different thoughts about their parents and the death of their parents and maybe death in general, than I do. I love my parents but I have never, ever been attached to my parents in ways I see other's attached to theirs. I have two very close friends who have been depressed and devastated for about a year after losing their moms. It feels strange to me that I do not feel what so many others seem to feel. Sometimes I almost don't want to even say anything out loud as I know others must be amazed by what I express. Here is an example. I have no desire what so ever to go to the valley to attend my mom's funeral. My mom is not there. She is in heaven. I will go, of course, for my dad. Otherwise----just seems silly to me. I know my mom would want everyone to go out to eat and drink a glass of wine ( or two! ) and enjoy themselves. She would want others to engage in what brings them joy. There is a stipulation to that though--- she wold want you to do what ever it is you are doing, PERFECTLY. My mom was a perfectionist. When she taught me to sew, if a seam was 1/32nd of an inch off, she would have me rip it out. She was the best house keeper one would EVER want to meet. As with most qualities, this was a blessing and a curse. I can imagine God even being a little disturbed by her dusting the clouds off already!
How am I?
I think I am extremely stressed. Thirty one years ago, my husband of ten years, Amber's birth father, finally succeeded in committing suicide. I was teaching school, at the time. I can remember when I was going back to work my main concern was for how my fellow teachers were going to feel when they saw me. I knew they would not know what to say and I feared they would be uncomfortable. I also knew they would be a bit curious about what had happened to lead up to someone taking his life. I wanted to tell them, " It's alright. Ask me about it!" You see, I learned from this time in my life, sharing and talking is healing. I would tell anyone that would listen, my story, over and over again. It was therapeutic. I also was determined to show everyone I was "alright". My mind was saying one thing but my body was showing something quite different. I lost down to 87 pounds. If I could only bottle what was going on inside of me at that time into a diet pill I would be quite wealthy, in financial terms. I just was not hungry. When I would sit down to eat, my body felt like I had already just eaten a full meal. I was also sleep deprived. Not because I did not want to sleep but because I would just lay there and sleep would not come. It avoided me like the plague. Eventually, I healed. Eventually, I gained back weight and I began to sleep again. Eventually, I loved, yes, loved my life.
Some signs of not being alright are exhibited in my life now. Not the same signs but signs. My husband is a wonderful man. All that know him will affirm this proclamation. I love him dearly but right now I am at his throat much of the time. All of the little things that bug me seem to be magnified ten fold. The anger thing. This morning I have had the thought that perhaps I am angry with myself and thus taking all of my self anger out on my husband. Could be. Thinking I need to do what I so often tell others--- time for a counseling session.
Today I am cleaning the cottage. I am also taking a nap. Love those naps. I finished May product presentation, for my business, late last night. Huge relief. I really messed up this month as one of my designs was very labor intensive. I love designing so much but sometimes I get carried away with the amount of work I put into a design. Making a few of something is one thing but making over a hundred of them means I best be a little more realistic!!! I will try to take pictures and post them. They are really cute, if I do say so myself.
So, back to how am I? A little good
A little bad
A little happy
A little sad
A little tired
A little mad
A little confused
But very glad
I KNOW there is joy still to be had!
Wishing each of you a perfect kind of day! You can now rest assured the clouds will be dust free!