Friday, April 17, 2009

Inquiring Minds Want To Know

How I Am---

To be perfectly honest, I don't know. Here are the reasons why, in a rambling sort of way.
Yesterday, I started reading my newest Artful Blogging publication. I love reading these publications. I do! Once again though, in the introduction, I got my feathers in a flutter over some of the language describing artful blogging. Why, I ask myself? I am not trying to be an artful blogger. I am trying to be a real blogger. So, why do I care what someone else defines an Artful Blogger as?
When I went to bed last night, I cried. I am crying at the most unexpected times. Not that when I go to bed is an unusual time to cry, just other times when it comes out of the blue. I can just be looking at something or someone and BINGO-- I score the tear winner.

Most of my friends have very different thoughts about their parents and the death of their parents and maybe death in general, than I do. I love my parents but I have never, ever been attached to my parents in ways I see other's attached to theirs. I have two very close friends who have been depressed and devastated for about a year after losing their moms.  It feels strange to me that I do not feel what so many others seem to feel. Sometimes I almost don't want to even say anything out loud as I know others must be amazed by what I express.   Here is an example. I have no desire what so ever to go to the valley to attend my mom's funeral. My mom is not there. She is in heaven. I will go, of course, for my dad. Otherwise----just seems silly to me. I know my mom would want everyone to go out to eat and drink a glass of wine ( or two! ) and enjoy themselves. She would want others to engage in what brings them joy. There is a stipulation to that though--- she wold want you to do what ever it is you are doing, PERFECTLY. My mom was a perfectionist. When she taught me to sew, if a seam was 1/32nd of an inch off, she would have me rip it out.  She was the best house keeper one would EVER want to meet. As with most qualities, this was a blessing and a curse.  I can imagine God even being a little disturbed by her dusting the clouds off already! 

How am I?  
I think I am extremely stressed. Thirty one years ago, my husband of ten years, Amber's birth father, finally succeeded in committing suicide. I was teaching school, at the time. I can remember when I was going back to work my main concern was for how my fellow teachers were going to feel when they saw me. I knew they would not know what to say and I feared they would be uncomfortable. I also knew they would be a bit curious about what had happened to lead up to someone taking his life. I wanted to tell them, " It's alright. Ask me about it!" You see, I learned from this time in my life, sharing and talking is healing. I would tell anyone that would listen, my story, over and over again. It was therapeutic. I also was determined to show everyone I was "alright". My mind was saying one thing but my body was showing something quite different. I lost down to 87 pounds. If I could only bottle what was going on inside of me at that time into a diet pill I would be quite wealthy, in financial terms. I just was not hungry. When I would sit down to eat, my body felt like I had already just eaten a full meal. I was also sleep deprived. Not because I did not want to sleep but because I would just lay there and sleep would not come. It avoided me like the plague. Eventually, I healed. Eventually, I gained back weight and I began to sleep again. Eventually, I loved, yes, loved my life.
Some signs of not being alright are exhibited in my life now. Not the same signs but signs. My husband is a wonderful man. All that know him will affirm this proclamation. I love him dearly but right now I am at his throat much of the time. All of the little things that bug me seem to be magnified ten fold. The anger thing. This morning I have had the thought that perhaps I am angry with myself and thus taking all of my self anger out on my husband. Could be. Thinking I need to do what I so often tell others--- time for a counseling session.

Today I am cleaning the cottage. I am also taking a nap. Love those naps. I finished May product presentation, for my business, late last night. Huge relief. I really messed up this month as one of  my designs was very labor intensive. I love designing so much but sometimes I get carried away with the amount of  work I put into a design. Making a few of something is one thing but making over a hundred of them means I best be a little more realistic!!!  I will try to take pictures and post them. They are really cute, if I do say so myself.

So, back to how am I? A little good
                                            A little bad
                                            A little happy
                                            A little sad
                                            A little tired
                                            A little mad
                                            A little confused
                                            But very glad
                                            I KNOW there is joy still to be had!

Wishing each of you a perfect kind of day! You can now rest assured the clouds will be dust free!


Paris Cowgirl said...

CeCe, I love your blogging style and admire how "REAL" you are. Keep it coming, it's therapy for for your readers too!

CeCe said...

Thank You, Miss Kim! Your kind comment feeds the ego within me!

Now, will you please send me your email address as I have the article ready to send you!