Thursday, April 30, 2009

What to Write

What to Write?
What to Think?
What to Feel?
What to Explain?
What to Contemplate?
What to Forget?
What to Want?
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, now I know What to Write.

I am proud of myself for recognizing when I need a counseling booster shot. I was filled with anger and felt betrayed by more than one family member. When family dynamics change relationships change. Because of my ability to understand it is a strength and not a weakness to seek guidance , once again I have learned more about dealing with this thing called Life.

Some of you may already understand this concept. It is a different way of giving me the message I certainly have become privy to over the years.   One only controls oneself.

My anger and feelings of betrayal were due to my WANTS---- Wants over which I have no control. When I want something that I can not give myself and  want  something that is in the hands of another I am setting myself up for hurt and anger. 

I have also learned to better look out for myself. I have learned that it is not a bad thing to do. 

I have relearned ( I know myself well, though, and this one will be a difficult one to keep in my brain ) I cannot and do not need to make everything alright with others. It is often an impossible task. I do not need to choose to be a victim of other's choices. I need to be true to myself and at no cost do I sacrifice my being for another. I want to say that last sentence again. It is an important one to repeat for I know in many people's upbringing this is a foreign concept. At NO COST do I sacrifice my being for another. This does not mean I do not love the other person. It means I love myself enough to recognize I am as important as another. I am on my journey. Others are on theirs.

And so it is I return to wants. I want to work on remembering all of the above. I want to rejoice that regardless of my journey, I do not control someone else's journey. Too often I try to take responsibility for someone else. 

With that I will close for the evening as I want to turn on the television and veeeeeggggggg out for a few minutes! I know it will not be long before I want to go to bed and dream of a perfect world, for it is only in my dreams that the world is perfect.


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