Monday, June 8, 2009

During The Time

 During the time I have been blogging I have received many comments which have been supportive. I often feel like I am be carried along this recent path of life much the same as an army of ants carries a piece of food. One ant alone could not possibly carry the load but together the march is accomplished. Sometimes I get messages via email, telephone calls, some in person,  comments on my blog and some via the U.S. post office. What ever the channel, the feeling of gratitude I feel is of great magnitude. 
Today I am going to address two comments I have received which have not been uplifting. From the birth of my blog I have monitored my comments. This allows someone to contact me without actually having their comment published. It also allows me to supervise what is published. Since I am so open about my life I thought it appropriate to be open about these comments as well. I have given some thought to the messages and I am grateful for the thought provoking and emotions they have stirred in me. As in all things, taking a look from a different point of view is healthy and educational. It is also interesting to me the different emotions I have felt when I have read the comments which follow. Months have passed between receiving the  two.

The following comment came to me on April 2nd. As I recall it was left after my entry of Chicken Noodle Soup.

With all do respect, why would you post such personal things about your daughter and family on the Internet? Think of Chandler and what he will think when he reads this. I'm sorry but I just don't think it's worth it.

 This comment came from my nephew. I was not at all happy when I received it. I started to email him back saying, " With all due respect it is none of your business what I post on my blog."  At the time though, I thought this gave my nephew and his comment more validation and it was better left alone. You see my view of my nephew is not one of trustworthiness.  As my mother would say, my first thoughts were, "The Nerve Of Him". 
 Time went on and just day before yesterday I received the following comment which has the same tone as my nephew's earlier one. This comment was made by someone not identifying him or herself.

No mother in her right mind would blast someone like this in a public forum. You should be ashamed of your behavior and publicizing your daughters personal issues. You too should seek help for having the audacity to publish something so negative about your own child. Shame on you, god forbid your grandson read this garbage. He may end up in the same boat as you and your daughter.

Interestingly, when I read this comment I was not furious or upset. On Saturday I had spent the entire day reading a book titled The Anatomy of Peace. I purchased it on a whim. My girlfriend, Janice, was buying it. Something made me go back in the bookstore before we left the strip mall to purchase it for myself. I am grateful I followed  my inner voice that told me to do this. I think this book is a read of value for anyone.  I will not try to paraphrase the entire book, as it is quite involved. I look forward to having discussions with Janice and my husband, once he reads it. What spoke to me from the book on Saturday evening though, while reading the above comment, was to step outside of myself and view the message from the other's point of view.  
I recognize that my style and my openness is offensive to some.
I recognize that I make mistakes.
I recognize that my blog is a selfish outlet.
I recognize that what I post on my blog is always the truth as I know the truth to be.
I recognize that I am not afraid for any part of my life to be shown to the world and this is a comfort to me.
I recognize that my blog is therapy for me and it gives me hope-
hope that my willingness to bar my soul  lets others know we are all in this world together. 
I recognize that secrets said out loud lose their power over you. 
I recognize we all have our dreams that will be fulfilled and others that will not. We all have our challenges and ways we deal with them. 

The question that came to my mind, during fleeting moments of time, since reading this latest thought provoking comment was this:
What kind of mother would post so openly?
And then the question ,what kind of human would post so openly?

A mother that always tried but did not succeed at teaching her child right from wrong.
A mother that always tried but did not succeed at making her child be responsible for her actions.
A mother who wanted to, but did not always do so, show compassion and love.
A mother who mourns for a chance to do it all over again, if she could only figure out what she could change that would make a difference in her child's life.
A mother that knows she has not a clue how to help her daughter or what could be done differently if she could do it all over again BECAUSE you see....

As a human, I have come to understand regardless of how hard one tries to know the best thing to do at all times one will sometimes fall short.
As a human we will not always have understanding.
As a human we will wish we could change others and quite often wish we were better at changing ourselves.
As a human we will want and sometimes get our wants and other times not.
As a human we will all have different beliefs and understandings.
As a human we will all use our opportunities in different ways.
As a human we will have differences but despite those differences it is my hope that we will remember to be humane.


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