The sun is shining outside and the world appears to be in tack so I must not have gotten too many knots tied or too much shredding done last night. Smile.
I have just got to accept that this is a very difficult time in our lives and as much as I wish I could feel joy and bliss continuously it is just not going to happen. I will have fleeting moments of pleasure which will give me a glimpse and a reminder life will not always hurt so much. I am going to work on holding on to this knowledge and forgive myself for feeling the pain in my heart.
Last night, I got furious with my husband. Inappropriately furious. The anger just festered inside me. We were out to eat with some friends my husband "brought to the party" from the golf course. Instead of engaging in conversation with the four of us he left me to converse with the other wife and sat ignoring us. I gave him a little punch ( really, it was little ) under the table. He just looked at me with a blank expression. Behavior continues--- Other wife and I might as well have been at another table, at another restaurant having our own date. Now this would have been fine if this had been the plan from the get go. I gave him another little punch. What does he do? Out loud, he stops his conversation with male friend and ask me exactly what it is he is doing wrong for me to be punching him. " Well dear, if you can't figure it out, maybe I should just say it out loud , right here,. in front of everyone" is what I wanted to scream. I waited till the evening was over and we got in the car-----
Did I have a right to be irritated with him? Yes, as we have had the going out to eat, with various friends conversations, many, many times. Did I have a right to feel the depth of anger I felt-----No-- I was like a Mrs. Badbar.
My husband's favorite candy bar is a Mr. Goodbar. I sometimes buy him a single bar and give it to him as a little love pat. I had purchased him one right before we went out to eat last night.
My husband went to bed as soon as we got home. Golf game preparation for this morning. not to mention we weren't exactly engaged in conversation. Before going to bed I put the candy bar in a little white sleeve and wrote him a note telling him I knew he was one of the "GOOD" guys. It was why I had married him and why I had bought him the candy bar. On the back though I asked him to never again, ask me in public, why I was punching him or I just might say it out loud right then and there.
As I have written all of this out the thought comes to mind, Maybe I shouldn't have been punching him at all. Maybe I should have just said, " Honey, will you please engage us in your conversation?" Well, well, wouldn't that have been a GOOD thing to do. Ahhhhhhhhhh Maybe I should buy both of us some more Goodbars! It is sounding like to me we both could use more of them. Those Badbars are showing up all to often, in my mind, these days.
Next Topics of Updates:
My Dad: We drove straight to pick him up for supper when we reached town on Friday evening. We went to have wings at Native New Yorker. He wanted anything but Italian food. Italian food was mom's favorite and we ate out at Italian most of the time when she got to choose. Anyway, Randy and I think he needs to have the cleaning people every week instead of every other week. My dad says no. Every other week is fine. Well, no one is really coming to visit that would care about the things we see needing done so once again---keep my mouth shut after I have tried once. He is mainly watching sports and eating T.V. dinners. We had a conversation about the newest and the best T.V. dinners available. He likes them. Has the process of cooking them and pausing the T. V. down to his liking. He is planning to go see his best friend of about 82 years, in South Carolina. He is going to fly first class. YES!!!!! Yes, I say. His big concern now is his bird dog. He does not want to kennel him for over a week. Anyway, I am working on getting him reservations and think this will be a great time for him. I know his best friend will enjoy his visit also. They have been friends since the beginning of time. They grew up together . Bynum, my dad's friend, was a pitcher and my dad was the catcher on the village baseball team. Bynum and his wife, Coleen have always been part of the family.
Amber:
On Thursday we visited the place Amber had said she had applied for housing. The lady could not reveal if Amber was on the list or not. Privacy Act.
We did not hear from Amber again before we left town. We did leave money, with Maria, to have to use for Amber's shelter, if Amber contacted us while we are out of town. We would do all the negotiating with Amber. Maria would just do with the money what we told her to do.
Last night, before going out to eat, we checked in with Maria. She said Amber had called and wanted to stop by to get some dishes. Said she just needed a few dishes until she decided what she was going to do. She brought Dewey , the family dog, by to stay the night so Chandler could play with him. Later in the day, Amber came back by, with Yeager, the dog she and Robert had purchased at Christmas time together for his kids and Chandler. Seems a n old neighbor called Amber to tell her Yeager was just out walking down the street. Amber had gone to pick him up and taken him to Maria and Chandlers. Robert is the one that has a restraining order out on Amber. Chandler is happier than a pig in mud to have the two doggies with which to play but I am certainly not sure it is a good thing for Yeager to be there. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh----not my call.
We talked to Michael, a friend of Amber's that she had claimed she would have to come to the valley to live with. This was said during one of her threats of taking Chandler to the valley. I had found him through use of the computer. Michael said Amber had not talked to him about moving in with him. Randy caught him up on what is going on with Amber's life. He assured Randy he would call if Amber ever showed up on his doorstep with Chandler.
Yesterday I got my Sam's Club fix. I purchased product and worked on product during the remainder of the day. I also purchased a new swimming suit for our upcoming trip to Rocky Point later in July. Buying clothes is so hard now. When I am in Pinetop it is cool and there is no need to have a pair of shorts hanging in my closet. There is little need for any short sleeves! I come to the valley to shop and here the opposite is true. It is hard to make myself purchase clothing for Pinetop. So far I haven't done a very good job. New capris and short sleeve tops. I have just told myself they, like the swimsuit, are for the upcoming vacation. I do however, need to go in my closet down here and weed out some more pieces. I am sticking to the plan of throwing something Goodwill's way each time I purchase something new.
And with that, this rambling will come to an end. I have some weeding out to do in the closet.
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